awake my soul, awake my soul to sing.

I need to share this before it is lost.

Leaving a time of worship is such a bittersweet moment for me. Especially leaving the kind we've just had. It's hard for me to grasp the idea of leaving and going back to the day when you have just been participating in communion with God. I escaped to my room and wrote this:

"Wow, Lord. I am in complete reverence to You.

To worship You, for an extended period of time, and to pray to You, and be surrounded by brothers and sisters who desire You as much as I do.

You have met me here today. I am in total and complete awe. Of You and You alone.

You've awoken my soul to sing.

Let Your will be done in me.

When You dwell in a room and fill it up, and make Yourself known, and are able to personally touch so many of us at the same time...that is a miracle.

I am so thankful and I don't even know how to express it. Truly I am speechless. You have moved me."

I was expecting to be touched by Evan Wickham...I don't know if it's because he's famous in the "Christian world," or because he's so talented, or because he has a thirst for serving God...

I was expecting to be touched by a man more so than I was expecting to be touched by God?

I thank Him that He touches me regardless of my expectations. I thank Him that He so faithfully provides me with life, joy, and peace, in abundance.

We're all pretty messed up.

I am never one to volunteer information. I hate talking about myself. Even if someone asks me a specific question, it is difficult for me to truly answer, instead of rushing through the first thing that comes to my head, just because because someone wants to know something about me. I like talking, sure, I talk a lot, but about myself?

It is actually something that I don't know how to do. Through much reflection (just because I don't talk about me, doesn't mean I don't think about me), I think I have pinpointed a few main reasons as to why I am dysfunctional in this area.*

First of all, I never believe that people are actually interested in what I have to say. Me? So boring! I assume they would much rather be talking about themselves, or just talking. Thus, when it's my turn to answer a question, I become flustered and rush through whatever answer comes to mind, and then immediately ask a question, and ask and ask and ask, to avoid my ever having to talk about myself in that conversation again. It works!

I also simply hate being the center of attention, or really just the focus of any attention whatsoever. When I am talking, and people are listening, someone is focusing on me. No thanks!

*I am 100% aware that all of these reasons are irrational and do not justify my uncomfort

Lessons from a Daddy Long Leg.

Life can throw some unexpected lessons, my friends.

Last night I was taking a shower (thank God, right?). There was a daddy long leg perched on his web up in the corner. Spiders scare me, but it was the good shower. He wasn't going to keep me away from the best water pressure in East and, quite possibly, the entire campus. That shower is mine!* However, I did spend the entire fifteen minutes in pure fear and anxiety. My eyes did not leave that spider. If he decided to launch a determined (and, let's face it, completely insignificant) offensive attack, I was going to be ready.

Then I realized I had focused more acute attention on that little spider during my fifteen minute shower than I had focused on God the entire day. And He is a lot more real than whatever it is about that spider that I fear.

*Also, the crane flies are back and have taken over the rest of the bathroom - so if I left the shower I would have had to face them anyways.

A good morning read.

"We live with [past disappointments and present heartbreaks] as our 'crosses' (so we call them). Constantly we find ourselves slipping into bitterness and apathy and gloom as we reflect on them, which we frequently do. The attitude we show the world is a sort of dried-up stoicism, miles removed from the 'joy unspeakable and full of glory' which Peter took for granted that his readers were displaying (1 Peter 1:8). 'Poor souls,' our friends say of us, 'how they've suffered' - and that is just what we feel about ourselves! But these private mock heroics have no place at all in the minds of those who really know God. They never brood on might-have-beens; they never think of the things they have missed, only of what they have gained. 'What things were gain to me, these have I counted loss for Christ,' wrote Paul. 'Yea verily, and I count all things to be loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may gain Christ, and be found in him...that I may know him...' (Philippians 3:7-10). When Paul says he counts the things he lost 'dung', he means not merely that he does not think of them as having any value, but also that he does not live with them constantly in his mind: what normal person spends his time nostalgically dreaming of manure? Yes this, in effect, is what many of us do. It shows how little we have in the way of true knowledge of God."

Knowing God, J.I. Packer

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.

I don't think I have a picture today.

It's not that I can't think of anyone who inspires me - of course there are so many! But I'm inspired less by people, and more by words.

I'll tell you what is inspiring me today: Psalm 84.

Hear, O Lord, and answer me,

for I am poor and needy.

Guard my life, for I am devoted to you,

You are my God; save your servant

who trusts in you.

Have mercy on me, O Lord,,

for I call to you all day long.

Bring joy to your servant,

for to you, O Lord,

I lift up my soul.

You are forgiving and good, O Lord,

abounding in love to all who call to you.

Hear my prayer, O Lord;

listen to my cry for mercy.

In the day of my trouble I will call to you,

for you will answer me.

Among the gods there is non like you, O Lord;

no deeds can compare with yours.

All the nations you have made

will come and worship before you, O Lord;

they will bring glory to your name.

For you are great and do marvelous deeds;

you alone are God.

Teach me your way, O Lord,

and I will walk in your truth;

give me and undivided heart,

that I may fear your name.

I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;

I will glorify your name forever.

For great is your love toward me;

you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

The arrogant are attacking me, O God;

a band of ruthless men seeks my life -

men without regard for you.

But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,

slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

Turn to me and have mercy on me;

grant your strength to your servant

and save the son of your maidservant.

Give me a sign of your goodness,

that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,

for you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

You're my cuppycake...

gumdrop, snoogums-boogums, you're the apple of my eye.

My adorable hall at my fake, adorable school had a cupcake decorating event on Sunday. So fun. Too bad I was not that good at it! At least they tasted delicious. Just like a cuppycake should.

P.S. The Cuppycake Song

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

I want to channel my inner Christy Miller and travel all around Europe via train.

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.

To name a few...

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.

Jon Foreman, I owe you a lot.

What began as a crazed Switchfoot obsession in seventh grade has grown into a pure admiration and appreciation for this man and what he has done both for God and for me. Nothing has ever touched me the way his music does. I don't know what it is about it...there's just something about his music and my soul that comes together to evoke joy. I'll never be able to explain it away; it just is.

“For me, when I think about Christ, I think about this iconoclastic man who lived and died for the broken. And the paramount underdog, which is basically turning the world on it’s head. Blessed are the poor and blessed are the hungry, blessed are the broken, all these things that feel very backwards in our fame, power, beauty, riches hungry world. That’s who Christ is to me.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bH6KPe9gTrQ

Thanks, Jon. Really. Thank you.

Day 12 - A picture of something you love.

Best photo you're getting is this creep-to-the-heck creepy one I just took of my room. Because this is something I love: BEING ALONE IN MY ROOM.

I know that in college, you're never supposed to sleep and you're supposed to be up all hours of the night and you're supposed to make a lot of noise and you're supposed to always be with your friends and aaaaall this stuff. And I like all that stuff, really I do. But I'm also an introvert to the max, and love being alone in my room (it's awesome). Here are a few reasons why:

a) It's cozy. I have my lights, and it's clean (hallelujah) and there's a little breeze coming from my window, and its quiet, and it's just so cozy.

b) I can be productive in here. If I try to do my homework in the lounge or the hub or other public locations, it will never happen.

c) I can pray in here. Yes, I know I can pray anywhere, anytime, etc. But I like to get all nerdy and pray out loud and have conversation that would otherwise make me look a 'lil schizophrenic.

d) I am alone in here. Really I just love to be alone. I don't know if it's just the introvert thing, or if it's a 9 thing, or if it's just a Sandra (and Jenai, haha) thing. But I just like to be alone.

It's funny because me in alone-in-my-room mode is probably a lot different from my hanging-out-with-friends mode. Every time someone comes in to talk to me, or ask me a question, or whatever, they are always asking if I am okay. And it's not because I'm rude because I think they are bothering me - they're not! But I am just so mellow and calm in here. I always feel older and smarter too. Probably the mellow/calm/homework thing.

Also I can turn my music up and sing loud and nobody knows!

Here's to a lovely evening in with Honey Nut Cheerios and some Jon Foreman tunes!

P.S. still hoping to find a man who will make me do cool things when I would ordinarily want to, like, stay home and eat Cheerios.

Whoa-y whoa whoa.

I did some investigating today.

First discovery: if all class timing works out correctly, I should indeed be able to graduate one semester early, meaning in December of 2012, meaning I MIGHT BE MORE THAN HALFWAY DONE WITH MY DEGREE.

Second discovery: Grad school is going to be very expensive. I looked at quite a few Christian programs that will work for me, least expensive being about 27,000 dollars. That is no small sum. Some universities allow monthly payments - whether that will work for me or not, I do not know. But something I do know (well, I'm pretty sure I know): I will not be able to earn 30,000 dollars between now and the end of my 2 year (hopefully) grad program, even with the scheduled off-year. I've been raised with an avoid-debt-as-much-as-possible mindset, and I've been so blessed to get to this point without having to come into any. We shall see!

Something else I discovered is that there are actually far less Christian universities that offer mental health grad programs than I thought! Some I've been considering:

-Colorado Christian University (for obvious reasons)

-Seattle Pacific University

-Grace University (this one's in Omaha, and is quite possibly the front runner. Good thing I have a year or so before I have to start really deciding!)

Ultimately, I find this whole process very exciting and fun :) Woohoo!

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.

I hate bottled water. Hate hate hate.

I'll take it from the tap or the filter, but NEVER from a package-y, mineral-y, plastic-y bottle (unless, of course, there is no other option).

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.

My brother.

Now, the fact of the matter is that I never do any truly messed up things. So when I am thinking messed up for myself, I am thinking weird, crazy, out of the ordinary. And that's when Tyler comes to mind.

A few years ago (like many years), when we were up at the lake, he and I were the only ones left awake in the house. So we decided to have a dance party. It was a silent dance party, because the house is not that big and the sleeping oldies were all in very close proximity to us. But we had a dance party nonetheless.

This summer I tried playing Call of Duty with him...and it wasn't even the real thing, it was like only him and me playing in this deserted, snowy area. And I got SO FREAKED OUT. I literally had to stop playing I was so scared. Because he was trying to shoot me!! And my controller would vibrate! And I SWEAR IT FELT LIKE HE REALLY SHOT ME.

Also, we are always talking about poop. Or periods.

He is just such a goofy goober, and I love doing weird things with him. And I love him, bunches and bunches.

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

My parents.

I realize that no one is perfect - but sometimes I like to think that they are.

They are such amazing people. They lead by example. They are silly. They have done both financial and marriage counseling - so I'm set! They give us everything we need and more. They are selfless. They are always available - I could call my dad at work with a computer question and unless he is extremely busy he will always stop and help me. Also he will always come to save me from any spider that is ever within 20 feet of me. They allow me to be who I am and trust my judgement. They are merciful and sweetly accept any apology (I've had to apologize for plenty of things). I would say the only exception to this would be from the times I was an unruly adolescent and would rudely say "Sorry!!" to my mom and she would respond, "Don't say you're sorry! Show that you are sorry!" Hahaha. I deserved it.

They have been married almost 25 years! And they are still in love. I hope I will someday have a relationship like theirs. For now I am content to simply have a relationship with them.

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.

This picture is the epitome of absolute hilarity for a few reasons...

a) Amy's chocolate-coated, nasty teeth.
b) Amy's creep-to-the-heck-creepy smile.
c) The fact that it was New Years, and the whole family was delirious.
d) It reminds me of all the other crazy pictures we took that evening.

Every time I see any pictures of that night my heart just warms right up. My family consists of my four favorite people in the world, and Amy is my favorite sister (she told me yesterday when we were Skyping, "So...I decided you are my favorite sister." Guess she better be mine too!).

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.

My purity ring.

It's not that valuable or fancy, but it means a lot.

There's a man out there for me, somewhere (probably), and this ring is not just a "I will remain pure until marriage" symbol, but a constant reminder. It reminds me of several things, in fact. To pray for him, to pray that God will continually make me into the wife he will need, to be patient. I love to look at
1 Peter 3:1-6 -

"Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear."

But of course, its first and foremost priority is to remind me of this:

"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."
1 Corinthians 6:18-20

Or are we ashes and wine

I've been listening to A Fine Frenzy nonstop lately. Almost Lover would always come on a few Pandora stations, and I always loved it, but I never really investigated them further until a few days ago. And I am in LOVE.

She has not only a beautiful voice and an incredible writing ability, but also she is so beautiful and so cool!

I appreciate the way so many of her lyrics incorporate nature and use it in such beautiful ways..

Help me out, said the minnow to the trout,
I was lost and found myself swimming in your mouth

or

Like an apple on a tree, hiding out between the leaves
I was difficult to reach, but you picked me
Like a shell upon a beach, just another pretty piece
I was difficult to see, but you picked me








:)

You Picked Me

I am blessed, because God has brought me to a place of complete surrender, contentment and peace.

I can't tell what's ahead of me, not even a little bit, but I'm okay with that, and I'm pleased to enjoy today.

Summer is coming...maybe, it might be coming.

I had such a great day today :)

Marla and I headed out around 10:30, toting bagels and coffee (okay, I had coffee). Our goal was church, about 20 minutes away. Unfortunately we never made it, thanks to the crazy Shadow Mountain after-church traffic. Took us 20 minutes alone to get to the freeway ramp. So, we headed for the beach instead. May have been cloudy but we oiled up and laid out on a blanket anyway. We were counting on that, the-sun's-rays-are-magnified-by-the-clouds theory...it was a no go. We are no darker. But it was beautiful nevertheless, and we went to get some Mexican food (in my opinion, you can't go to the beach without picking up a burrito on the way home). So we grabbed Roberto's, and I still have half of that bean-filled tortilla in my fridge. Can't wait to eat it later :)

We came home to watch Killers (which was better than I thought it would be, my expectations were low) and then caught the end of A Bug's Life and watched Monsters Inc, thanks to ABC Family's Pixar weekend.

I'm just gonna get ready for bed, do some reading and some writing, and call it a night.

Finally, a break.

I'm slacking so much on the 30 Day Challenge thing. Sorry Jenai. Will get back into it soon!

Well, Spring Break is here. I'm not doing anything. Well, this weekend I'm going with some friends to the fair, but we'll be back on Monday, and then I will have nothing to do (and not much to eat) until, well, Monday. I have school work I can do. So that is good news.

I'm looking forward to it, though. It's going to mean a lot of sleep, a lot of reflection, a lot of time talking to God and hearing from Him. I feel so worn down. Not because of any one thing, but just because school is hard, and keeping up with my relationships is hard (I never feel very good at it), and I've felt my routine slipping slowly away...I want it back. I like routines! I find them comforting.

They are not good, though, when God becomes part of my routine. He needs to be outside of it. I forget that when I'm busy. Better start remembering soon.