You are a soul.

I was out the other day with a friend.  A woman passed us in the aisle, and gave us a strange look.  I couldn't quite decipher it, but I didn't find it malicious in any way.  The girl I was with, though, apparently took offense because she said something about "She's not even pretty."  I responded by saying "I think she's pretty," and in return got a reply of, "Yeah well you think everybody's pretty."

As if it was a bad thing.  As if my opinion would never count because I just thought that everyone was pretty.  It made me so sad.

Sometimes I'm very surprised at who people will deem "not pretty."  Often I will find a woman so beautiful, and am shocked to hear people say "I guess she's cute" or "but look at her figure" or "she might be pretty if..."  And inside I just kind of shirk and think, I think she is beautiful.  What makes you think otherwise?  If you don't find her pretty, do you even think I am?


It's true - if someone is so willing to label a woman as "not pretty" then why would they not think the same of me?  Or my sister, or my mother or friend?

I know many ladies who, to the world's eye, are surely more plain than some.  But I know it is not my place, right, or responsibility to determine who is adequately beautiful and who is not.  And because I know all aspects of their character and heart and personality, I am stunned to find that someone might not think of them as beautiful.  Because to me they are so lovely.

Now, I am not perfect, and I'm not saying I never see flaws in other women, and I'm not saying that I've never thought of any woman as unattractive before.  Of course I have.  But I am learning, and growing and my thoughts are changing.  And I can guarantee you that every such thought in me has stemmed from jealousy or insecurity.  How about this one - Why does she have a hot boyfriend and I never have any boyfriend?  She's not even pretty.  I can't tell you how many times this thought has flitted through my mind, as some sort of defense against my insecurities about the fact that guys tend not to express any interest in me.  All these questions why, what am I doing wrong, is there something wrong with me, that the enemy puts in my head to make me loath myself.  And the first reaction is to project these negative thoughts on someone else.

Thanks to God's grace I am usually able to come quickly to the other side of these irrational self-attacks and calm myself with the knowledge that His perfect timing will bring me to the man He has for me, be it in 2 years or 10.  And I am able to thank him that because guys aren't chasing after me all the time (or really ever), I am not constantly distracted or led away from my priorities.  And He reassures me and tells me that no matter what anyone else thinks or says, I am beautiful.  Because He made me.

So who am I (or you, for that matter) to have a beauty scale and arrange people accordingly?  I know we think this way because I have thought this way before.  Her face is pretty but she has such an apple figure, I'll stick her above ______ but below ______.  She's got a great body but should obviously be wearing more makeup over that awful skin, I'd say she's more attractive than ______ but definitely not as pretty as ______.

God made each and every one of these women.  He decided to give her an apple figure.  He decided to give her a big nose.  He decided to give me oily skin and weird old lady hands and He also decided against giving me nice cheekbones.  Well, let Him decide for goodness sake.  He's God, and I'm not going to question Him.

I'd like to reiterate that I am not perfect - I'm not trying to lead you to believe that you'll never hear me say anything negative about another women's physical body.  Because sometimes I do.  Again - not perfect.  But I'm doing it less and less, and I'm learning to be intentional about not only words that I volunteer but also intentional about words that I agree with.  I am so guilty of mindlessly giving a "Haha yeah" in response to one of these negative comments.  So I am trying to work on that.

I love what C.S. Lewis said - "You do not have a soul.  You are a soul.  You have a body."

God looks at our soul.  Let's try to see what He sees.

Ladies

Today was a great day.

Despite waking up too early and enduring a few miserable hours caused by certain lady problems, I was up and at'em by noon, and Mom and I went out to lunch.  It was a treat.  I had the day off of work (which turned out to be a bigger blessing than I thought, considering my issues earlier in the day - working through them would have been so much worse than laying in bed through them) and I was not prepared to waste it.  So we went to Target, grabbed some yummy Mediterranean food, got some coffee, dropped off some papers at her doctor's office, and went home.  I got out of the house and it felt so good.

I'm not ready to leave.  I'm not ready to say goodbye to these days with my mom, these nights with my family.  We had a multi-round, two-on-two ping-pong tournament, got Dairy Queen and then watched an old Harrison Ford movie.  I don't love anyone as much as I love my family, and no one loves me as much as they do.  How can I leave them?  I feel like I just got here.

This sucks.  The lady stuff isn't helping, either.

Morning Glory

I've really become a morning person, and I'm really happy about that. I couldn't tell you exactly how that happened...in the fall, I was rolling out of bed, never going to breakfast, barely having time to think about what to wear or what to do with my face. In the spring, though, I was awake, I was at breakfast, I was calm/cool/collected and ready for my day. Whatever the difference was, I'm thankful for it, because it's lasted into the summer. Not that I had any choice, really, when I have to be at work at 8 am. This week my start times were as follows:

Monday - 8:45

Tuesday - 8:30

Wednesday - 8:15

Today - 8:00

See? They are tricky. But thanks to my weird schedule change that began at the beginning of last semester, these ever-earlier times are okay because I'm a morning person now. Yay!!

This morning I got up at 6:20, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and headed downstairs for some breakfast and, most importantly, coffee. Usually I see my mom sitting up in bed reading her nook when I pass by on my way down. She always sees me and says, "Morning!" But today she was lying down reading and didn't even see me. I decided it must be one of those days, and thus got myself some cinnamon toast just like I ate when I was a kid.

Yum yum!

Protons

I am fed up with the negativity that I hear. From others, and from myself. We are free to insult (jokingly, of course) as we please, and we take those opportunities. I'm a fan of sarcasm, I think it's the best. But I know that sometimes it can hurt, and sometimes it's taken too far.

I'd like to work on being positive in the things I say about myself, and the things I say about others.

Writing about thinking about thinking about thoughts.

A fun thing to do is think about thoughts. About controlling them, thinking about only what you want to be thinking about. Actions are different, and actions are important, but there are so many thoughts flying through my head that are never transformed into action.

For example, in my thoughts I often tend to be very intimidated and easily threatened. These make my actions very inhibited. I shrink into myself and don't think about how silly it is to feel that way - or think those thoughts. I don't want them to reign over me like that.

Last semester I was journaling about this, about how frustrated I get when I realize that I'm just disappearing because I feel...well, whatever that feeling is that makes me that way sometimes. And I wrote down a little phrase that I often repeat to myself and has turned into a bit of a theme song for me. It's simple:

I am who I am

Love me or hate me

God made me

Three silly little lines, but somehow they are so empowering. First of all to remind myself that I just am who I am, and nothing is changing that; I should not be ashamed of it. And to remember that God created me, formed me in my mother's womb, fearfully and wonderfully made.

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

You are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.

You hem me in - behind and before;

You have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is to wonderful for me,

Too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

If I settle on the far side of the sea,

Even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,'

Even the darkness will not be dark to you;

The night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;

You knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Psalm 139:1-14

A blog about my recent trip to Washington is in the works - but we did so many things that it is taking foreeeveeeer to write.

American Honey

What is this place?

So far, it's been somewhere I go when I am bored, or really want to procrastinate. The thoughts are genuine, but it's really a haphazard, unintentional thing I've got going on here.

I'd like to make it something better and something more representative of my life and what I'm doing, something to document my ups and downs, comings and goings.

So we'll see how it goes :)

I give you this, you give me that.

When I pictured this summer, I did NOT picture nothing but work! Thankful for a job but wow, thought I would have so much more free time. Am I making moneys? Yes. Have I learned how to crochet yet? No. So that sucks.

So, thank heaven that we are off to Washington tomorrow, and I will have two weeks of REAL SUMMER! Yayayayay I can't wait. To have time to do things...anything!

I was planning on going to the library this evening to grab some reading material for the 3 day road trip...but I ended up working 9 hours (I should stop being surprised) and didn't make it home in time :( So I just cleaned, and went to WalMart, and made honey-wheat muffins for us to eat on the road tomorrow, and packed. Aaaand that's my life. Working, baking, and going to WalMart.

I love baking. And cooking. And making anything edible. The good thing about working so much is that it allows me to spend so much time in other ladies' beautiful kitchens, pretending they are mine.

Another thing, though, that sucks about working so much, is that it exhausts my brain so that when I'm home, I don't want to think, ever. There must be a way to keep that from happening. Miss that 'ole brain of mine.