Welcome Home!

It's funny to hear this before you're up in the morning:

Tyler: "Mom!! I thought you closed the door!!"
Mom: *Says something undecipherable*
Ty: "Lucky no one was in the hallway. I just got out of the shower."
Mom: *laughs* *laughs more*
Ty: "That would have been wrong. SO wrong."


P.S. His bathroom is the type with two rooms, a little one with the toilet and shower and a bigger one with the sinks. Just in case.

Please Recycle, Installment Quatre

I have been thinking a lot lately about leaving...about when it will hit me that I'm really going away, and what I will do when it does hit me. Cry a lot, no doubt. I mean, a lot. You know my sad little speech after Friday night's show? It will probably look like that, with less talking and a whole lot more tears. Except that next time, when the curtains close, I won't be able to run to my closest friends and join them in a dramatic, sorrowful, lovely embrace. You guys, I loved that moment.

Somewhere I heard someone say that we don't realize how much we love someone until we have to live without them. I think it was supposed to be about death, and no one has died, but the same concept rings true here. I don't get to see any of my Single Ladies, or my parents or brother and sister and dog, or other friends (guess what? I have a couple!) for...months!

The scariest part, to me, is not the fact that I am going away for a few months but what that actually means. I am leaving home. Even when I come back for holidays and summers, it will be different and temporary. Uh oh, here come some tears! I only have a week and a day left of being a child in my parents' home. I have to be responsible, take care of myself. When my parents walk away next Friday, I will become just a little more alone. To my siblings' friends, I will just be the big sister in college. It is just so weird to me that in so short a time, there will be two kids at my house and not three. My room will be empty. My mom will cry a lot, and my dad will too, and my sister will a little bit. I hope Tyler does too, even if no actual tears fall. And you Single Ladies better too! :)

But you know, a few months is nothing. After all, our entire lives are nothing more than a breath.

Great, I am now on the other side of that emotional hump and can see a little more clearly. It kind of reminds me of my favorite aspect of the Psalms...I feel but I know. I feel sad, helpless, and scared. But I know that God holds my life in His hands, and I know I will be okay.

I feel, but I know.

Project Runway

Season 6 is on Hulu...I have watched 10 episodes since yesterday afternoon. Couldn't be happier!

I'll Be Home For Christmas

You can count on me. Because this year, I really will be home for Christmas!

There will be moments like this:



And this:



And obviously like this:




I'm coming, Colorado! 11 days :)

Kids Jingle-Belling

Last night I got to stay up until 4 am decorating for Christmas...



We were a bunch of kids jingle-belling, and it was perfect and cheesy: just how I like it!

(I decorated this tree all by myself...I am so proud of it. I shall boast of it to everyone.)

It is finally Christmastime!!

I am most certainly one of those, Christmas-doesn't-start-til-after-Thanksgiving people. You just can't mix holidays. Thanksgiving is important too! I meant to write something about George Washington and Abraham Lincoln's proclamations regarding Thanksgiving...very special, profound, and refreshing. Maybe I still will...but right now I am so hyped up on CHRISTMAS that I can't even think about Thanksgiving anymore.

Christmas, guys. CHRISTMAS! I LOVE CHRISTMAS! A few of my favorite family Christmas traditions are:

- picking out/decorating our Christmas tree
- decorating the house
- blasting Mom and Dad's old Christmas music while doing so (Carpenters always included)

Sadly these I must miss out on being away at school :(

- baking lots and lots (and lots) of goodies
- going to the Christmas Eve service, dressing pretty and getting to hold candles and sing Christmas songs while doing so - obviously the best thing
- watching a Christmas movie any time I can, including Elf at least once a week
- reading our horribly cheesy Christmas book on Christmas Eve. Each page has a paper ornament in it, and there happen to be six! So as we read each page, each kid takes turns putting an ornament on the tree.


Christmas morning always starts early (duh). First we open stockings, then we make breakfast (homemade cinnamon rolls, obviously). Then we open presents! Tyler used to love being Santa but now he's too old to think it's fun.

And the rest of the day is just perfect, especially if we're lucky enough to have a White Christmas.


It may not be Christmas yet, but Bec and I look festive anyways:

Tradition

A Thanksgiving tradition I will be beginning (without question) in my future home:

- Finish dinner and send everyone away/go home before too late
- Listen to Christmas music while cleaning/driving home
- Get all snuggly/ready for bed and proceed to watch a Christmas movie (the same one each year, not sure which one yet) before bed

Tell me I won't have the greatest family ever.

And if you're like me, you need hope, coffee, melody.

There are a few songs I've been binging on the past few days. The first one, New Day by Robbie Seay Band, made me very excited. A few years ago, I remember hearing on the radio two or three times, and I always loved it (especially "dancing in the kitchen at 2 am"), but never knew what song it was or who sung it. Recently I have randomly been thinking about it wishing I could hear it again, and there it was on Pandora (Phil Wickham radio). I LOVE IT JUST AS MUCH AS I REMEMBER! And can't stop listening :)

The others are Reign in Us by Starfield, and Cannons, Jesus Lord of Heaven (if you hadn't already figured that one out), and I Will Wait for You There all by Phil.

He might be a bandwagon, but he's a good one.

Jesus, Lord of heaven, I do not deserve
The grace that you have given, or the promise of your word
Lord, I stand in wonder at the sacrifice you made
With mercy beyond measure, my debt you freely paid

Your love is deeper than any ocean
Higher than the heavens
Reaches beyond the stars in the sky
Jesus, your love has no bounds
Jesus, your love has no bounds

Your love is deep, your love is wide
Your love is great, your love is high
Your love is all we ever need
Your love is all we ever need

Your love is deeper than any ocean
Higher than the heavens
Reaches beyond the stars in the sky
Jesus, your love has no bounds
Jesus, your love has no bounds

Top 25

I mean, why not?

From the Inside Out - Hillsong United
White as Snow - Jon Foreman
Someday We'll Know - Jon Foreman & Mandy Moore
Beloved - Tenth Avenue North
Headlights - The Classic Crime
Resurrect Me - Jon Foreman
Falling Slowly - Kris Allen
Heart of Life - John Mayer
How He Loves - David Crowder Band
Revenge - Jon Foreman
The Call - Regina Spektor
To Make You Feel My Love - Kris Allen
Hallelujah - Krystal Meyers
Over the Rainbow - Martina McBride
A Mirror is Harder to Hold - Jon Foreman
Rebuild - Switchfoot with Relient K and Ruth
Somebody's Baby - Jon Foreman
Brand New Day - Fireflight
Fidelity - Regina Spektor
Lift Us Up to Fall - Tenth Avenue North
There Was No Thief - Relient K
For My Love - Bethany Dillon
The Cure for Pain - Jon Foreman
Forever - Fireflight
Your Love is Extravagant - Casting Crowns

Women's Devotional Bible

My Bible is the type that has all kinds of cheesy inserts and questions to ask yourself and devotionals for all days of the week. The fact that it is a "women's" devotional Bible also means that those add-ins will sometimes be inapplicable...like when they talk about children or growing older.

I read this probably about a year ago, when I was feeling defeated and consumed by my own feelings. Drowning in the confusion, trying to figure out what was God and what was me, and knowing that I attributed a lot of what was me to God because I wanted things to be that way. And then this appeared, and I'd call it a miracle, because my exact feelings were written in perfect form, when I had been unable to identify them myself.

"Sometimes our worry is the thread by which we hang onto the belief that we can do something to change our situation and end our fear. As ridiculous as it is, we believe that our anxiety gives us some measure of control. Or we believe it keeps God mindful of our problem. We are afraid that without the pressure of our fear, He might forget what we want from Him. But our anxiety and demanding prayers accomplish nothing. We fear giving up our fear because if we don't worry, who will remember to care? If we don't worry, would God decide we aren't really concerned about the issue? If we don't worry, are we giving up hope of God involving Himself in our world?

Cutting across all our stubborn reasons for remaining in our fear, Paul wrote, 'May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit' (Romans 15:13). God's joy and peace are available to us as we trust Him; they are not the result of absolute guarantees about the outcome of our worries. We have a choice: will we trust Him and receive His joy and peace, or will we insist on seeking our joy and peace from resolved fears and changed circumstances?

The choice really is ours. We can hang onto our fears, insisting that until they are resolved, there is no way for us to enter into rest, or we can see those same fears as the door by which we can enter a rest far richer and sweeter than the rest that might arise from a tenuous arrangement of perfect circumstances. It is a rest that believes that a life without all the pieces in place, a life in which we do indeed suffer lack, is still a life to celebrate."



I <3 it

Reap/Sow

I was bored, so I decided to try something new: shuffle all my music, and don't skip any songs. So far, the result has been good. I possibly have way better music than I thought I did.

On another note, I haven't been sleeping lately. As in, I don't wind down enough to fall asleep until at least 2 am. I think this is a bad thing. No, I know it is. Because this morning, I woke up at 9:15 when my class is at 9:30. I made it by 9:50. We were taking a quiz. I finished/left the class by 1o, because I actually knew the material because I was up so very late preparing for it. Therefore, I am reaping both good and bad effects.

Back to the first note, Home by Switchfoot is playing at the moment. See,these are the songs I forget about when I stick to playlists or Pandora.

It's a long way from Miami to L.A.
It's a longer way from yesterday to where I am today
It's a long way from my thoughts to what I'll say
It's a long, long way from paradise to where I am today

All that's in my head is in your hands

It's a long way from the moon up to the sun
It's a longer road ahead of me than road that I've begun
Stop to think of all the time I've lost
Start to think of all the bridges that I've burned that must be crossed

Over, over, over, take me over

Cause I've been poison, I've been rain, I've been fooled again
I've seen ashes shine like chrome
Someday I'll see home, home, home

I can see the starts from way down here
But I can't fall asleep behind the wheel
It's a long way from the shadows in my cave
Up to your reality to watch the sunlight taking over, over
Taking over, take me over

I've been poison, I've been rain, I've been fooled again
I've seen ashes shine like chrome
Someday I'll see home, home, home

:)

'97, guys.

Landmarks

I finished another journal yesterday...ahhh.

It's always a 'lil bittersweet. This one I began on June 20th, 2010, and it's special because it contains my first heartbreak (heartbruise? It wasn't heartbreak). It's just all...laid out. I was going to type out the first entry and the last...after a quick review, no way. That's just too personal.

But I'll tell you this in the cheesy way I do: I'm excited :) New landmark.

So many answers in one little Psalm.

"Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the Lord
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret - it leads only to evil."


Psalm 37:3-8

My own little world.

It's 1 a.m., and all the lights are on in my room. Marla is in here, talking to Arri, who is straightening her hair. I can tell they're talking about serious stuff (semi-serious, that is), between (extreme) dancing and singing sessions.

I'm just vegging on my bed...as I have been for the past few hours. I don't even feel like I'm in the same room. My headphones are blessing me with Jon Foreman (my favsie of the faves), and all I'm doing is stalking people on Facebook. Not so hard to make me happy.

Please Recycle, Installment Trois

I feel that, at the moment, my life is pure chaos. There is no method to it, no organization. I don't have a plan for each day; I just kind of wake up, and it happens, and at the end I'm never quite sure what I accomplished.

Called Out

Things to work on:

a) pride
b) consistency
c) loving others
d) self-comparison
e) diligence

:)

Hilarity

I’ve recently begun reading a new book.

 

 

It’s Arri’s, and on the title page someone wrote a note:

“Christmas 2006

Dear Andrew and Sarah,
I am a great lover of books and this is one of my all time favorites.  As  I am giving all of your family a copy, I hope it will produce many scholarly discussions after reading it.

Love,
Aunt [Illegible]”

 

And how did Arri acquire this book?  Ebay.

 

Hopefully I’ll like it more than Andrew and Sarah did, and perhaps it will produce a few scholarly discussions in my life.  At least a few scholarly blogs perhaps?

I was wrong (way wrong).

If you had told me a year ago as I was heading off to college for the first time that I would miss the brisk fall and dry atmosphere of Colorado, I might laugh and say you’re crazy.  But here I am, winding down September of year two and you know what?  I MISS IT!

I love the month of September.  I just love the word, September.  I want to get married in September.  It just sounds so nice.  It’s when autumn begins as well, which I love.  In other places (Denver), September tends to be the month that brings the first hints of fall weather.  Sometimes the first snowfall even comes in September.  But here, in El Cajon?  The Box decides to give us a 113 degree day, IN SEPTEMBER!  I went outside to walk to the class I have across the street at 9 am, and I noticed how odd it was that it already felt the way most afternoons do down here.

It is unbelievable.  As in, I actually don’t believe it.  It is unable to be believed.  It’s crazy!

October’s coming up here on Friday…October is my favorite month at home in Colorado, I think.  The aspens turn their amazing bright colors, the air starts to feel cleaner and cooler, and it kind of sends little whispers that sounds like, “Christmas is coming!”

I don’t get much (any) of that in San Diego.  And it makes me sad!  I know that soon it will start to get cooler, and my acclimated self will embarrassingly have to bundle up a ‘lil when it drops all the way down to…50.  And when that happens, I’ll be dreaming of home, and looking forward to the winter fix I’ll get in December..

 

Sandra’s “Daily Affirmation”

 

If I were Jessica, my affirmations would be:

Look I can be a shrink!  Now, my whole hall is great!  I can do anything hard!  I like my school (inhale), I like anything!  I like my professors, I like my roommate!  I like my classes, I like my Jenai’s!  I like my cafeteria food, I like my sink!  I like my face!  I like my hair!  I like my clothes!  I like my stuff!  I like my rooms!  I-even-like-El-Ca-JON! (clap)  My whole school is great, I can do anything good.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can even complete grad school or seminary better than anyone, yeah yeah yeah.

I want to live somewhere…

a) where I can walk anywhere I like – favorite restaurants (and coffee shops), parks, work, etc.
b) with seasons…real seasons, and especially autumn.
c) with a coast.
d) that has history and character.

I’m on the Up & Up

It was suggested to me today that my spiritual gift is Mercy.  I’ve never taken the test, and never really given it too much thought.  But I’m thinking that could be pretty darn accurate.

Mementos

 
Ahh, my bedside table…on it lies three vital elements:
1) my coffeemaker
2) my Bible
3) my box

 

 

 
Half of my corny heart comes through in things like this…a lovely little box that not only has a wonderful book of photos, but also a place to hold all the special mementos life has given me thus far. 

 

 

 

Upon initial opening, it looks like a bit of disorganized chaos…but there are bits of my life in there :)  Shall we see what’s inside??

 

 

 

First up, my two boyfriends.  Jeb (on the left) was given to me about a year ago, coming from a Band-Aid box.  He’s the best…well-dressed, smart (those glasses, you know) and he will never leave my side.  Chauncho (on the right) is more of just a back-up plan, in case Jeb ever gets lost, stolen, etc.  My mom sent him to me on Valentine’s Day this year, in a package entitled “grow your own boyfriend.”  That’s right, it’s true!  Boyfriends are now self-growable!  Thanks, Mom, for recognizing that was all I was gonna get on Valentine’s Day.

 

 

 

 
Next, an origami heart that my good friend Kim made me last year...she loves all things Asian!

 

 

 

These are a few random sticky notes I had collected from my room last year and wanted to keep.  Some encouragement (and robot drawings..) from my good friends.

 

 

 

 
Next up, a letter to myself!  Last year we had a hall event at which we sat in the outdoor volleyball court, with Abigail (my RA’s) fake candles all around for some ambiance.  We all wrote self-addressed letters, about the upcoming year, what we were expecting as freshmen.  So adorbs and perfect for my cheesy heart!  We sealed them with wax and everything.  V. mysterious.  I got my letter back at the end of the year and read it…makes me laugh every time. 

 

 

 

 
My ticket from the Padre’s game we attended during NSO (New Student Orientation) my freshman year.   Go Rockies!

 

 

 

Next up, a card that my cousin Julie made for me ages ago, when I was as old as I am in that picture!  She is very creative and crafty and would always send us cards similar to this one.  In the picture I’m posing on my grandparent’s steps near Bellingham, Washington.  I’m hugging a wooden bear and there’s a hair wrap on my head!  I really hope I wasn’t the only kid into those.

 

 

 

 
A napkin…a used one…from the hotel that I stayed in when I went to Ireland with my high school’s music department.  It was called the Grande Hotel Malahide, and it was beautiful.  If I get the chance (and the money) I’m going again someday.

 

 

 

 
This is a seashell that my grandma gave to me.  In their house in San Diego they had some type of indoor plant thing, with a bunch of seashells around the base of the plants.  One day all the kids got to choose one :)

 

 

 

 
Next is a yellow bandana I wore for dodgeball this past spring.  At my pretend school, we have Hall Olympics where the different halls compete for cash.  I’m terrible at dodgeball, one of those types that never does anything but is good at dodging, so I end up being the last one on the court but am not strong enough to make a throw worth anything!  I survived though, and somehow I think we won…

 

 

 

 
Ah, one of those shell cases..you know what I’m talking about?  I got this from my grandma as well.

 

 

 

 
This is from Ireland too!  It’s one of the toys you find inside the Cadbury eggs that you can only find in Europe, except around Easter. 

 

 

 

 
Heh heh heh…my MJ glove.

 

 

 

 
Next is the pouch that my purity ring came in…heart of cheeeeeese!

 

 

 

 
This angel is a pin that my grandma brought me from New Zealand.  I’ve had family there my whole life, but sadly I have yet to visit…soon, I think!

 

 

 

 
A white bandana, multiple ribbons colored black, yellow and green…all paraphernalia from my high school years.  Hail to the mighty golden eagles!  Yeah, I remember the fight song.

 

 

 

 
Find it…you can barely see it…but it’s a key chain I bought when my family went to the Grand Canyon.  For once we didn’t go on a vacation that was either San Diego or Washington!

 

 

 

 
Next up is my ticket from Winter Banquet last year.  It was on a boat.

 

 

 

This card was given to me on a missions trip I took to Chinle, Arizona just after my freshman year of high school.

 

 

 

 
And last but not least, a card hand made by my Grandma Gish.  It was my last birthday she was alive for, in August 2001.  She made simple, beautiful things like this!

 

 

 

I  can’t resist all this corny, perfect stuff…when life gives you mementos, put them in a pretty box!

I love living!

At least, I’m trying to love it.  Lately I feel as though the moments have hardly existed; they’ve just started, and ended, and were gone.

You know that song by Relient K, This Week the Trend?

Because I know that I don’t want to die
Sitting around watching my life go by

I really love this guy, Matty T.  Sometimes I think that maybe we have led the same life, because so many of his lyrics reflect my exact feelings.

Yesterday was not quite what it could have been
As with most of all the days before
But I swear today, with every breath I’m breathing in
I’ll be trying to make it so much more

Cause I seem to get so hung-up on
The history of what’s gone wrong
That the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see
But I’m finally catching onto it
Yeah, the past is just a conduit
And the life there at the end is where I’ll be

I think I’ve deemed this my life song.  Do those exist?  This is mine.  Uhh, preferably the acoustic version.

 

__________________________________________

 

 

I’ve been wishing lately that I had more room in my heart for people.  More room in my life.  It’s so difficult for me to have more than a few close friends at a time..and lately I have been feeling that there is no way I can love on everyone as much as I want to.  It’s something I’m dying to work on. I think I need to be stretching myself.  Without forsaking the close friends I already have.  No “find another friend and discard” for me.  But maybe if I try to be a wonderful friend to all of my friends, and not just the ones I love the most, I will become a better friend to the others.

Shout-out to Jenai: a special place in my heart exists just for you.  No one’s touching that space!  Your name is on the door and there are Rat Pack and Venice posters on the walls.  You’re kind of elevated above friend-status…you are my sister.  End of story.  You are indescribable and wonderful and I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.  <3

 

__________________________________________

 

My roommate Arri and I had lunch with my aunt and cousins today.  Their house makes even El Cajon seem like a beautiful place.  They make me feel at home!

 

This is my cousin Daniel…he’s 10, and definitely the best 10-year-old in the world.  I have a feeling we’re best friends for life.

 

Turning off their street on the way back to school.  Thank you for the beautiful day!

It's three quarters after one, I'm not all alone and I need you later

A couple things I learned today:

1) Contrary to my own prior belief, it may not after all be impossible for me to be in charge of something important.
2. The Hand Jive
3. I'm not afraid of farting.

There's something about being extraordinarily productive that makes me think, "I should do this more often."

Sing with me the sound of love

Something I’ve been thinking about lately:  nothing.

The thing I hate about life when it gets busy is that I feel as though I lose my mind.  I don’t mean I go crazy…I mean my mind, it’s gone!  All it becomes good for is:

a) remembering all the things I have to do 
b) telling me I’m hungry
c) telling me I’m sleepy
d) reminding me I’m really poor
e) remembering all the other things I have to do
f) telling me I want coffee
g) spacing out/accidentally staring at people
h) telling me I need coffee
i) putting on clothes
j) forgetting important stuff, like that H comes before I, and not after it, when I’m making alphabetically organized lists

I forget about important things, like thinking and reflecting and doing all that peer-inside-my-own-brain type stuff I like to do.  I forget about reading, I love reading.  And I forget about writing, too.  I feel as though my life just gets so unbalanced during the school year.  I’d really like to change that, to tilt the scale back toward normalcy and things that make me who I am.

In other news, people are odd.  It’s especially odd when two people that have been a major part of your life, but you haven’t spoken to in months for one reason or another, both waltz back in within the same week.  Try to, at least.

 

P.S. Been listening to John Mayer so much, more than I have before, and I am so impressed.  Just saying. 

Somewhere, waiting for me..

I wasn’t kidding, best station. So far today it’s given me, in a row:

I Only Have Eyes For You, Frank Sinatra
A Kiss To Build A Dream On, Louis Armstrong*
Beyond The Sea, Kevin Spacey
Gravity, Sara Bareilles*
That’s It, I Quit, I’m Moving On, Adele
At Last, Etta James (live, might I add)*
Here Comes The Sun, The Beatles
Eye Of The Tiger, Survivor
Any Way You Want It, Journey
Perpetuum Mobile, Penguin Cafe Orchestra
The Calculation, Regina Spektor
That Year, Brandi Carlile
Heartbreak Warfare, John Mayer

You see what I mean.

 

*Absolute favorites.

As Is

I’m so blessed to have suffered.

I realize that the pain I’ve encountered as of late has been thoroughly (like, way, way) minute compared to that of others.  My life thus far has been, in my opinion, unjustly pain-free.  Well, not pain-free.  But so few “bad” things have happened to me that I often feel as though I have been unrightfully blessed. 

And now, I think that I am even more thankful for my generally “easy” life..because I know it has made me appreciate and dwell in what has been hurting. 

Finally something hurts!  I’m not swallowed by apathy or the fear that I’m taking for granted every gift God’s bestowed me.  Until so recently it was something I had never known; that blatantly cold rejection, that stab in my gut. 

I actually remember thinking that I couldn’t wait to fall asleep, because the hurt wouldn’t exist there.

(Holy shoot!  These are the moments I feel grossly emo and cliché.  Did I really just say that?  I don’t like to think of myself as a dramatic weirdo.  But then I write stuff like “I couldn’t wait to fall asleep, because the hurt wouldn’t exist there.”  I feel kind of…selfish for feeling that way.  Because I just got dumped! That’s it! In the grand scheme of things, that’s the lamest ever!  I do feel silly, like a fool for allowing myself to be so..affected by it.  But you know..the thing is, it was a big deal.  If you’re looking at the universe, then no, who cares.  But if you’re just looking at my life…)

And this is where I head back into emo-psych central. 

If you’re just looking at my life, it’s a big deal.  I really don’t want to list every reason…I love to converse, to actually talk to people, and in my opinion  that’s a much better outlet.  But I’ll say I feel I’ve become at least 5 years older, and that while it was the most unplanned, undesired development, the truth is that God knows what I need when I need it, far better than I could even hope to know for myself.

He gave me just what I needed, just when I needed it, and now I am so much better than I ever dreamed I could be.

Corn Nuts

I hate talking about myself. Love thinking about myself, peering inside. But voicing what I find in there really, really scares me.

I'm afraid that there is a disconnect between the way others perceive me and the way I perceive myself. Even though overcoming insecurity is a daily struggle, and Satan tells me lies that make me feel quite low at times, I am still left with the fear that somehow I will think better of myself than others do.

Plus I worry people will just think I'm crazy for thinking so much.

I would challenge myself, practice if I could. But there also seems to be a shortage of those daring and interested enough to even attempt a dive into my innermost parts.

And it's not just me..in general don't we seem to just love the surface, the shallow end. I think we're all a little afraid of what's down there.

I'm just waiting for someone courageous enough to pound through the walls to discover the me that's behind them..

Yeeeee, and sometimes I am so annoyingly cliché.

I LOVE BEING CORNY <3

Yeah, Right

It's not love any other way.

"I want to know who you are,

Even if you're falling apart"

I'm one of those weird, observant people - you'll find me staring a lot. People are so fascinating. They always seem to be completely different than you initially thought.

I like experiencing people..not just knowing them but knowing them, having at least some semblance of a solid grip on who they really are. I love hearing their stories, understanding where they came from. While our relationships are initially formed on the basis of how we react in the present situation, the stories that compose us are just too engaging to ignore.

...psych major.

Not Even Close

How blessed was I to see this?

Fab

Facebook is sometimes the worst, because you can accidentally see things that bring you back to moments you never wanted to return to.

It's the little things.

Having a clean room makes me feel 100% better about my life.

Please Recycle, Installment Deux

Before the summer begins, I always have an idea of what it will be...I imagine days of soaking up the sunshine, going on walks in the early morning, reading book after book on the porch, eating fresh food, drinking a lot of tea and coffee. I think of all the things I will buy with the money I'll earn from my job I'll love, taking long drives late at night with the windows down, smelling the air. Running through sprinklers, cooking with my family, spending my nights alone in my room journaling and reading my Bible and praying and letting Jesus become my best friend.

But what really happens every time? What has happened thus far? I'm lazy, I hardly ever go outside, I've read two books, I drink too much coffee and no tea, I eat the same food as I always do. I don't love my job and I certainly don't have money to buy whatever I please, I've run through zero sprinklers and have yet to make anything but cookies. And these nights I'm up until the earliest of hours? I'm not praying and listening to what God has to say, I'm stalking and looking and lusting over the things of the world that I don't have because instead of working hard and trying to start my life I'm sitting on my butt.

Each night I fall asleep hoping tomorrow, tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I'm going to start fresh, tomorrow I'm going to read my Bible before I get out of bed, tomorrow I'm going to take a walk, tomorrow I'm going to make dinner, tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow and I create a world in which I am living for a series of tomorrows that never come. Because I never choose to start today.

I'm sick of it, and I'm done. Dreaming isn't going to get me anywhere. Dreaming is going to give me ideas and goals and wishes to aim for but if all I do is hope for them, I will never receive them! We reap what we sow. And dreaming is not equivalent to sowing.

Hebrews 10:35-36

"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."

Funny that I often seem to think the "will of God" is so daunting. I've heard you need to pray, ask for wisdom and seek seek seek until you find it. But all it is, if you ask me, is a summation of small moments of obedience. God's will is for me to love. God's will is for me to be selfless. God's will is for me to find beauty in every human he's created. God's will is for me to talk to him. God's will is for me to be grateful. God's will is for me not to envy, not to lust over anything. And God's will is for me to obediently comply with all he's asked of me. If I can do the small things won't the big decisions already be blessed?

I don't want to underestimate the importance of patience in waiting for God's answers, truth, guidance for the biggest moments of our lives, but the point I have so often missed is that we don't need to to wait to complete the will of God because most of it we are already aware of.

Romans 13:11

"The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light."

Nothing Like It

Bona Fide

Two awkward/great things that I find only slightly embarrassing:

Going to type “mysdcc.sdcc.edu” and finding that “mywedding.com” automatically appears.  So what, who ever said you have to have a man to be excited about your wedding?

Having a conversation with a daddy long leg throughout my entire shower, sounding something like “Keeping walking!  You can do it!  I know you can make it to the top without falling on me!  Please keep going!  I believe in you!”

Well, maybe I'm just amazed.

The best of all Pandora stations includes:

Adele

The Beatles

Michael Buble

Norah Jones

Billy Joel

John Mayer

Please Recycle

Music makes me feel funny. It makes me feel so good. It is the only thing that has ever been able to heal me. The only thing that can reach into the furthest depths of my soul. It's like I'm a different person when I hear it. Not all songs "work." It's almost like there's a formula, made of only lyric and melody. If both are marvelous and pristine...I literally become weak. My heart skips, and I lose my breath. The feeling is so sweet and deep and indescribable, yet it makes me want something, though until now I haven't been able to tell what.

God created music. He created each note and the science of the way they fit together. Music is beautiful, and so is God. And I believe that what music evokes in me is a strong desire to know the beauty that is His. To really understand and experience it, not just to see it or admire it. There are two things on this earth that, to me, will ever be the closest to the marvelous allure that belongs to God. One is music, the other love. Things so delicate, intricate, fair, that I almost can't even take it. So beautiful it hurts.

I never feel closer to my God than when I am listening to melodies and harmonies and sound that blend to create beauty. Listen and tell me you can't taste Him.