As Is

I’m so blessed to have suffered.

I realize that the pain I’ve encountered as of late has been thoroughly (like, way, way) minute compared to that of others.  My life thus far has been, in my opinion, unjustly pain-free.  Well, not pain-free.  But so few “bad” things have happened to me that I often feel as though I have been unrightfully blessed. 

And now, I think that I am even more thankful for my generally “easy” life..because I know it has made me appreciate and dwell in what has been hurting. 

Finally something hurts!  I’m not swallowed by apathy or the fear that I’m taking for granted every gift God’s bestowed me.  Until so recently it was something I had never known; that blatantly cold rejection, that stab in my gut. 

I actually remember thinking that I couldn’t wait to fall asleep, because the hurt wouldn’t exist there.

(Holy shoot!  These are the moments I feel grossly emo and cliché.  Did I really just say that?  I don’t like to think of myself as a dramatic weirdo.  But then I write stuff like “I couldn’t wait to fall asleep, because the hurt wouldn’t exist there.”  I feel kind of…selfish for feeling that way.  Because I just got dumped! That’s it! In the grand scheme of things, that’s the lamest ever!  I do feel silly, like a fool for allowing myself to be so..affected by it.  But you know..the thing is, it was a big deal.  If you’re looking at the universe, then no, who cares.  But if you’re just looking at my life…)

And this is where I head back into emo-psych central. 

If you’re just looking at my life, it’s a big deal.  I really don’t want to list every reason…I love to converse, to actually talk to people, and in my opinion  that’s a much better outlet.  But I’ll say I feel I’ve become at least 5 years older, and that while it was the most unplanned, undesired development, the truth is that God knows what I need when I need it, far better than I could even hope to know for myself.

He gave me just what I needed, just when I needed it, and now I am so much better than I ever dreamed I could be.