I was wrong (way wrong).

If you had told me a year ago as I was heading off to college for the first time that I would miss the brisk fall and dry atmosphere of Colorado, I might laugh and say you’re crazy.  But here I am, winding down September of year two and you know what?  I MISS IT!

I love the month of September.  I just love the word, September.  I want to get married in September.  It just sounds so nice.  It’s when autumn begins as well, which I love.  In other places (Denver), September tends to be the month that brings the first hints of fall weather.  Sometimes the first snowfall even comes in September.  But here, in El Cajon?  The Box decides to give us a 113 degree day, IN SEPTEMBER!  I went outside to walk to the class I have across the street at 9 am, and I noticed how odd it was that it already felt the way most afternoons do down here.

It is unbelievable.  As in, I actually don’t believe it.  It is unable to be believed.  It’s crazy!

October’s coming up here on Friday…October is my favorite month at home in Colorado, I think.  The aspens turn their amazing bright colors, the air starts to feel cleaner and cooler, and it kind of sends little whispers that sounds like, “Christmas is coming!”

I don’t get much (any) of that in San Diego.  And it makes me sad!  I know that soon it will start to get cooler, and my acclimated self will embarrassingly have to bundle up a ‘lil when it drops all the way down to…50.  And when that happens, I’ll be dreaming of home, and looking forward to the winter fix I’ll get in December..

 

Sandra’s “Daily Affirmation”

 

If I were Jessica, my affirmations would be:

Look I can be a shrink!  Now, my whole hall is great!  I can do anything hard!  I like my school (inhale), I like anything!  I like my professors, I like my roommate!  I like my classes, I like my Jenai’s!  I like my cafeteria food, I like my sink!  I like my face!  I like my hair!  I like my clothes!  I like my stuff!  I like my rooms!  I-even-like-El-Ca-JON! (clap)  My whole school is great, I can do anything good.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can even complete grad school or seminary better than anyone, yeah yeah yeah.

I want to live somewhere…

a) where I can walk anywhere I like – favorite restaurants (and coffee shops), parks, work, etc.
b) with seasons…real seasons, and especially autumn.
c) with a coast.
d) that has history and character.

I’m on the Up & Up

It was suggested to me today that my spiritual gift is Mercy.  I’ve never taken the test, and never really given it too much thought.  But I’m thinking that could be pretty darn accurate.

Mementos

 
Ahh, my bedside table…on it lies three vital elements:
1) my coffeemaker
2) my Bible
3) my box

 

 

 
Half of my corny heart comes through in things like this…a lovely little box that not only has a wonderful book of photos, but also a place to hold all the special mementos life has given me thus far. 

 

 

 

Upon initial opening, it looks like a bit of disorganized chaos…but there are bits of my life in there :)  Shall we see what’s inside??

 

 

 

First up, my two boyfriends.  Jeb (on the left) was given to me about a year ago, coming from a Band-Aid box.  He’s the best…well-dressed, smart (those glasses, you know) and he will never leave my side.  Chauncho (on the right) is more of just a back-up plan, in case Jeb ever gets lost, stolen, etc.  My mom sent him to me on Valentine’s Day this year, in a package entitled “grow your own boyfriend.”  That’s right, it’s true!  Boyfriends are now self-growable!  Thanks, Mom, for recognizing that was all I was gonna get on Valentine’s Day.

 

 

 

 
Next, an origami heart that my good friend Kim made me last year...she loves all things Asian!

 

 

 

These are a few random sticky notes I had collected from my room last year and wanted to keep.  Some encouragement (and robot drawings..) from my good friends.

 

 

 

 
Next up, a letter to myself!  Last year we had a hall event at which we sat in the outdoor volleyball court, with Abigail (my RA’s) fake candles all around for some ambiance.  We all wrote self-addressed letters, about the upcoming year, what we were expecting as freshmen.  So adorbs and perfect for my cheesy heart!  We sealed them with wax and everything.  V. mysterious.  I got my letter back at the end of the year and read it…makes me laugh every time. 

 

 

 

 
My ticket from the Padre’s game we attended during NSO (New Student Orientation) my freshman year.   Go Rockies!

 

 

 

Next up, a card that my cousin Julie made for me ages ago, when I was as old as I am in that picture!  She is very creative and crafty and would always send us cards similar to this one.  In the picture I’m posing on my grandparent’s steps near Bellingham, Washington.  I’m hugging a wooden bear and there’s a hair wrap on my head!  I really hope I wasn’t the only kid into those.

 

 

 

 
A napkin…a used one…from the hotel that I stayed in when I went to Ireland with my high school’s music department.  It was called the Grande Hotel Malahide, and it was beautiful.  If I get the chance (and the money) I’m going again someday.

 

 

 

 
This is a seashell that my grandma gave to me.  In their house in San Diego they had some type of indoor plant thing, with a bunch of seashells around the base of the plants.  One day all the kids got to choose one :)

 

 

 

 
Next is a yellow bandana I wore for dodgeball this past spring.  At my pretend school, we have Hall Olympics where the different halls compete for cash.  I’m terrible at dodgeball, one of those types that never does anything but is good at dodging, so I end up being the last one on the court but am not strong enough to make a throw worth anything!  I survived though, and somehow I think we won…

 

 

 

 
Ah, one of those shell cases..you know what I’m talking about?  I got this from my grandma as well.

 

 

 

 
This is from Ireland too!  It’s one of the toys you find inside the Cadbury eggs that you can only find in Europe, except around Easter. 

 

 

 

 
Heh heh heh…my MJ glove.

 

 

 

 
Next is the pouch that my purity ring came in…heart of cheeeeeese!

 

 

 

 
This angel is a pin that my grandma brought me from New Zealand.  I’ve had family there my whole life, but sadly I have yet to visit…soon, I think!

 

 

 

 
A white bandana, multiple ribbons colored black, yellow and green…all paraphernalia from my high school years.  Hail to the mighty golden eagles!  Yeah, I remember the fight song.

 

 

 

 
Find it…you can barely see it…but it’s a key chain I bought when my family went to the Grand Canyon.  For once we didn’t go on a vacation that was either San Diego or Washington!

 

 

 

 
Next up is my ticket from Winter Banquet last year.  It was on a boat.

 

 

 

This card was given to me on a missions trip I took to Chinle, Arizona just after my freshman year of high school.

 

 

 

 
And last but not least, a card hand made by my Grandma Gish.  It was my last birthday she was alive for, in August 2001.  She made simple, beautiful things like this!

 

 

 

I  can’t resist all this corny, perfect stuff…when life gives you mementos, put them in a pretty box!

I love living!

At least, I’m trying to love it.  Lately I feel as though the moments have hardly existed; they’ve just started, and ended, and were gone.

You know that song by Relient K, This Week the Trend?

Because I know that I don’t want to die
Sitting around watching my life go by

I really love this guy, Matty T.  Sometimes I think that maybe we have led the same life, because so many of his lyrics reflect my exact feelings.

Yesterday was not quite what it could have been
As with most of all the days before
But I swear today, with every breath I’m breathing in
I’ll be trying to make it so much more

Cause I seem to get so hung-up on
The history of what’s gone wrong
That the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see
But I’m finally catching onto it
Yeah, the past is just a conduit
And the life there at the end is where I’ll be

I think I’ve deemed this my life song.  Do those exist?  This is mine.  Uhh, preferably the acoustic version.

 

__________________________________________

 

 

I’ve been wishing lately that I had more room in my heart for people.  More room in my life.  It’s so difficult for me to have more than a few close friends at a time..and lately I have been feeling that there is no way I can love on everyone as much as I want to.  It’s something I’m dying to work on. I think I need to be stretching myself.  Without forsaking the close friends I already have.  No “find another friend and discard” for me.  But maybe if I try to be a wonderful friend to all of my friends, and not just the ones I love the most, I will become a better friend to the others.

Shout-out to Jenai: a special place in my heart exists just for you.  No one’s touching that space!  Your name is on the door and there are Rat Pack and Venice posters on the walls.  You’re kind of elevated above friend-status…you are my sister.  End of story.  You are indescribable and wonderful and I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.  <3

 

__________________________________________

 

My roommate Arri and I had lunch with my aunt and cousins today.  Their house makes even El Cajon seem like a beautiful place.  They make me feel at home!

 

This is my cousin Daniel…he’s 10, and definitely the best 10-year-old in the world.  I have a feeling we’re best friends for life.

 

Turning off their street on the way back to school.  Thank you for the beautiful day!

It's three quarters after one, I'm not all alone and I need you later

A couple things I learned today:

1) Contrary to my own prior belief, it may not after all be impossible for me to be in charge of something important.
2. The Hand Jive
3. I'm not afraid of farting.

There's something about being extraordinarily productive that makes me think, "I should do this more often."

Sing with me the sound of love

Something I’ve been thinking about lately:  nothing.

The thing I hate about life when it gets busy is that I feel as though I lose my mind.  I don’t mean I go crazy…I mean my mind, it’s gone!  All it becomes good for is:

a) remembering all the things I have to do 
b) telling me I’m hungry
c) telling me I’m sleepy
d) reminding me I’m really poor
e) remembering all the other things I have to do
f) telling me I want coffee
g) spacing out/accidentally staring at people
h) telling me I need coffee
i) putting on clothes
j) forgetting important stuff, like that H comes before I, and not after it, when I’m making alphabetically organized lists

I forget about important things, like thinking and reflecting and doing all that peer-inside-my-own-brain type stuff I like to do.  I forget about reading, I love reading.  And I forget about writing, too.  I feel as though my life just gets so unbalanced during the school year.  I’d really like to change that, to tilt the scale back toward normalcy and things that make me who I am.

In other news, people are odd.  It’s especially odd when two people that have been a major part of your life, but you haven’t spoken to in months for one reason or another, both waltz back in within the same week.  Try to, at least.

 

P.S. Been listening to John Mayer so much, more than I have before, and I am so impressed.  Just saying. 

Somewhere, waiting for me..

I wasn’t kidding, best station. So far today it’s given me, in a row:

I Only Have Eyes For You, Frank Sinatra
A Kiss To Build A Dream On, Louis Armstrong*
Beyond The Sea, Kevin Spacey
Gravity, Sara Bareilles*
That’s It, I Quit, I’m Moving On, Adele
At Last, Etta James (live, might I add)*
Here Comes The Sun, The Beatles
Eye Of The Tiger, Survivor
Any Way You Want It, Journey
Perpetuum Mobile, Penguin Cafe Orchestra
The Calculation, Regina Spektor
That Year, Brandi Carlile
Heartbreak Warfare, John Mayer

You see what I mean.

 

*Absolute favorites.

As Is

I’m so blessed to have suffered.

I realize that the pain I’ve encountered as of late has been thoroughly (like, way, way) minute compared to that of others.  My life thus far has been, in my opinion, unjustly pain-free.  Well, not pain-free.  But so few “bad” things have happened to me that I often feel as though I have been unrightfully blessed. 

And now, I think that I am even more thankful for my generally “easy” life..because I know it has made me appreciate and dwell in what has been hurting. 

Finally something hurts!  I’m not swallowed by apathy or the fear that I’m taking for granted every gift God’s bestowed me.  Until so recently it was something I had never known; that blatantly cold rejection, that stab in my gut. 

I actually remember thinking that I couldn’t wait to fall asleep, because the hurt wouldn’t exist there.

(Holy shoot!  These are the moments I feel grossly emo and cliché.  Did I really just say that?  I don’t like to think of myself as a dramatic weirdo.  But then I write stuff like “I couldn’t wait to fall asleep, because the hurt wouldn’t exist there.”  I feel kind of…selfish for feeling that way.  Because I just got dumped! That’s it! In the grand scheme of things, that’s the lamest ever!  I do feel silly, like a fool for allowing myself to be so..affected by it.  But you know..the thing is, it was a big deal.  If you’re looking at the universe, then no, who cares.  But if you’re just looking at my life…)

And this is where I head back into emo-psych central. 

If you’re just looking at my life, it’s a big deal.  I really don’t want to list every reason…I love to converse, to actually talk to people, and in my opinion  that’s a much better outlet.  But I’ll say I feel I’ve become at least 5 years older, and that while it was the most unplanned, undesired development, the truth is that God knows what I need when I need it, far better than I could even hope to know for myself.

He gave me just what I needed, just when I needed it, and now I am so much better than I ever dreamed I could be.

Corn Nuts

I hate talking about myself. Love thinking about myself, peering inside. But voicing what I find in there really, really scares me.

I'm afraid that there is a disconnect between the way others perceive me and the way I perceive myself. Even though overcoming insecurity is a daily struggle, and Satan tells me lies that make me feel quite low at times, I am still left with the fear that somehow I will think better of myself than others do.

Plus I worry people will just think I'm crazy for thinking so much.

I would challenge myself, practice if I could. But there also seems to be a shortage of those daring and interested enough to even attempt a dive into my innermost parts.

And it's not just me..in general don't we seem to just love the surface, the shallow end. I think we're all a little afraid of what's down there.

I'm just waiting for someone courageous enough to pound through the walls to discover the me that's behind them..

Yeeeee, and sometimes I am so annoyingly cliché.

I LOVE BEING CORNY <3

Yeah, Right

It's not love any other way.

"I want to know who you are,

Even if you're falling apart"

I'm one of those weird, observant people - you'll find me staring a lot. People are so fascinating. They always seem to be completely different than you initially thought.

I like experiencing people..not just knowing them but knowing them, having at least some semblance of a solid grip on who they really are. I love hearing their stories, understanding where they came from. While our relationships are initially formed on the basis of how we react in the present situation, the stories that compose us are just too engaging to ignore.

...psych major.

Not Even Close

How blessed was I to see this?

Fab

Facebook is sometimes the worst, because you can accidentally see things that bring you back to moments you never wanted to return to.

It's the little things.

Having a clean room makes me feel 100% better about my life.