Home

The other day while my computer was asleep, my picture-slideshow screensaver decided to display this random picture I have of my room:

It made me miss home :(  I love being at school, and I love my friends here.  But sometimes I just want to walk into my front door, see my brother playing Mad World on the piano, say hi to my dad in the study, and plop on the couch with my mom to watch Criminal Minds.  (Amy would probably be working).

School

I read this in my Social Psychology textbook this morning.  It was very inspiring:

"If we want to change ourselves in some important way, it's best not to wait for insight or inspiration.  Sometimes we need to act - to begin writing that paper, to make those phone calls, to see that person - even if we don't feel like acting.  To strengthen our convictions, it helps to enact them."

Nice.

Texting My Brother, Part Two

"quick!  how do you spell badmittin?"
"I dunno!  Badmitten?"
"that how I spelled it"

_____________________________________


"Hey it's almost your birthday!"
"ya u txted in the middle of a geometry test"

_____________________________________


"So watsup"
"Soo we are wandering around looking for something interesting to eat.  How's the party?"
"I saw a racoon doing that once"

_____________________________________


"Hey"
"Oh heyy" "P.S. Rachel?"
"what?"
"Homecoming??"
"Oh ya. what about it?"
"I dunno.  Do you like her?  Is she cute?  How'd you ask?"
"i said do you want to go to homecoming with me i like her but we are going as friends and yes she is"

______________________________________

"I left a pack of gum in my pocket and put it through the wash and this is what it turned into"
"Wow!! Looks like space rocks"
"ya i havent seen too many of those but i guess thats what they would look like"

Swap Meet

I had my first Swap Meet experience on Saturday.  It was life-changing.  I can't believe I have never gone before!  It was reminiscent of a farmer's market, except that instead of food there was just a ton of cheap stuff.  I won't lie - I spent a lot of money.  I had a lot of birthday cash, though.  So I shouldn't feel guilty, right?

Apart from a few tops and a great pair of feather earrings, I had two incredible finds.

On the right is a beautiful pocket-watch that actually opens!  What I'm still trying to determine is whether or not the clock is real.  Even if it isn't, this makes me so happy.  I have been looking for something like it for ages.  I put it on a chain and wore it around my neck today - it's beautiful and perfect, and I love it.

On the left is a little New Testament + Psalms that I found on a table amidst a bunch of other junk.  "Everything $3," the sign said.  Carved into the front is a Jerusalem cross.  I thought it was just a fancy Greek cross, but Google taught me otherwise.  Into the back is carved the word "Jerusalem."  I continued my Google-ing and discovered many similar Bibles, all made of olive wood, and all hailing from Israel.  Three dollars on a table of junk!  I showed it to my mom yesterday as we were Skyping, and she showed me a nearly identical one that my grandparents brought her from Israel.  I'm so happy to have it.

From this Bible (it is the KJV) my favorite verse reads as follows:

"Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.  For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise."

Hebrews 10:35-36

Welcome Back

I'm welcoming myself back.  To this blog.  Because I've been away.

Here's what I've been up to:
- NSO.  It's the craziest week of the year, but one of the best.
- Class.  Yikes.  Class is hard this time around - but finally interesting.  I love taking all my things out to the Landing, taking over a couch in the shade, and getting all my work done.  Typically I can't do homework outside, but I think it works there because it's kind of like a trick - outside, but kind of inside.
- Senate.  I am so excited for Activities!  Things have already gone a little bonkers, but what do you expect?  It's gonna be a great year.  We like bonkers.
- Swap Meet.  I went for the first time on Saturday with two of my good friends from home.  It was so cool!  I bought some great clothes and jewelry, a beautiful pocket watch that I plan to make into a necklace, and this incredible, wooden-covered New Testament/Psalms.  It has a Jerusalem cross carved into the front, and the word "Jerusalem" carved into the back.  I did some Google-ing to see what I could find out about it.  I found similar ones that are made of olive wood from Jerusalem.  If mine is as well, that's awesome.

That's it.  That's essentially all I've been up to.  Now that I've mostly settled into a routine, I'll be better at writing and doing the things I choose to do.  Soon I'll be better at taking photos, too - I left my memory card at home, but my mom found it and is sending it my way.  So that is fab.

Something beautiful God has reminded me of recently:

"I will betroth you to Me forever;
Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice,
In lovingkindness and in compassion,
And I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness.
Then you will know the LORD...
...And I will say to those who were not My people,
'You are My people!'
And they will say, 'You are my God!'"
Hosea 2:19-20, 23

Lord, You are good.

I love my school.  I love the people here, I love the joy and life and love of God that is in everyone.  How blessed am I to spend my year in a place where my faith is shared by everyone around me?  There is such encouragement and unity that can only be found in Christ.

I'm tired.  I want to wash my hair and falllll asleep.

Pressed but not crushed, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed.

You are a soul.

I was out the other day with a friend.  A woman passed us in the aisle, and gave us a strange look.  I couldn't quite decipher it, but I didn't find it malicious in any way.  The girl I was with, though, apparently took offense because she said something about "She's not even pretty."  I responded by saying "I think she's pretty," and in return got a reply of, "Yeah well you think everybody's pretty."

As if it was a bad thing.  As if my opinion would never count because I just thought that everyone was pretty.  It made me so sad.

Sometimes I'm very surprised at who people will deem "not pretty."  Often I will find a woman so beautiful, and am shocked to hear people say "I guess she's cute" or "but look at her figure" or "she might be pretty if..."  And inside I just kind of shirk and think, I think she is beautiful.  What makes you think otherwise?  If you don't find her pretty, do you even think I am?


It's true - if someone is so willing to label a woman as "not pretty" then why would they not think the same of me?  Or my sister, or my mother or friend?

I know many ladies who, to the world's eye, are surely more plain than some.  But I know it is not my place, right, or responsibility to determine who is adequately beautiful and who is not.  And because I know all aspects of their character and heart and personality, I am stunned to find that someone might not think of them as beautiful.  Because to me they are so lovely.

Now, I am not perfect, and I'm not saying I never see flaws in other women, and I'm not saying that I've never thought of any woman as unattractive before.  Of course I have.  But I am learning, and growing and my thoughts are changing.  And I can guarantee you that every such thought in me has stemmed from jealousy or insecurity.  How about this one - Why does she have a hot boyfriend and I never have any boyfriend?  She's not even pretty.  I can't tell you how many times this thought has flitted through my mind, as some sort of defense against my insecurities about the fact that guys tend not to express any interest in me.  All these questions why, what am I doing wrong, is there something wrong with me, that the enemy puts in my head to make me loath myself.  And the first reaction is to project these negative thoughts on someone else.

Thanks to God's grace I am usually able to come quickly to the other side of these irrational self-attacks and calm myself with the knowledge that His perfect timing will bring me to the man He has for me, be it in 2 years or 10.  And I am able to thank him that because guys aren't chasing after me all the time (or really ever), I am not constantly distracted or led away from my priorities.  And He reassures me and tells me that no matter what anyone else thinks or says, I am beautiful.  Because He made me.

So who am I (or you, for that matter) to have a beauty scale and arrange people accordingly?  I know we think this way because I have thought this way before.  Her face is pretty but she has such an apple figure, I'll stick her above ______ but below ______.  She's got a great body but should obviously be wearing more makeup over that awful skin, I'd say she's more attractive than ______ but definitely not as pretty as ______.

God made each and every one of these women.  He decided to give her an apple figure.  He decided to give her a big nose.  He decided to give me oily skin and weird old lady hands and He also decided against giving me nice cheekbones.  Well, let Him decide for goodness sake.  He's God, and I'm not going to question Him.

I'd like to reiterate that I am not perfect - I'm not trying to lead you to believe that you'll never hear me say anything negative about another women's physical body.  Because sometimes I do.  Again - not perfect.  But I'm doing it less and less, and I'm learning to be intentional about not only words that I volunteer but also intentional about words that I agree with.  I am so guilty of mindlessly giving a "Haha yeah" in response to one of these negative comments.  So I am trying to work on that.

I love what C.S. Lewis said - "You do not have a soul.  You are a soul.  You have a body."

God looks at our soul.  Let's try to see what He sees.

Ladies

Today was a great day.

Despite waking up too early and enduring a few miserable hours caused by certain lady problems, I was up and at'em by noon, and Mom and I went out to lunch.  It was a treat.  I had the day off of work (which turned out to be a bigger blessing than I thought, considering my issues earlier in the day - working through them would have been so much worse than laying in bed through them) and I was not prepared to waste it.  So we went to Target, grabbed some yummy Mediterranean food, got some coffee, dropped off some papers at her doctor's office, and went home.  I got out of the house and it felt so good.

I'm not ready to leave.  I'm not ready to say goodbye to these days with my mom, these nights with my family.  We had a multi-round, two-on-two ping-pong tournament, got Dairy Queen and then watched an old Harrison Ford movie.  I don't love anyone as much as I love my family, and no one loves me as much as they do.  How can I leave them?  I feel like I just got here.

This sucks.  The lady stuff isn't helping, either.

Morning Glory

I've really become a morning person, and I'm really happy about that. I couldn't tell you exactly how that happened...in the fall, I was rolling out of bed, never going to breakfast, barely having time to think about what to wear or what to do with my face. In the spring, though, I was awake, I was at breakfast, I was calm/cool/collected and ready for my day. Whatever the difference was, I'm thankful for it, because it's lasted into the summer. Not that I had any choice, really, when I have to be at work at 8 am. This week my start times were as follows:

Monday - 8:45

Tuesday - 8:30

Wednesday - 8:15

Today - 8:00

See? They are tricky. But thanks to my weird schedule change that began at the beginning of last semester, these ever-earlier times are okay because I'm a morning person now. Yay!!

This morning I got up at 6:20, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and headed downstairs for some breakfast and, most importantly, coffee. Usually I see my mom sitting up in bed reading her nook when I pass by on my way down. She always sees me and says, "Morning!" But today she was lying down reading and didn't even see me. I decided it must be one of those days, and thus got myself some cinnamon toast just like I ate when I was a kid.

Yum yum!

Protons

I am fed up with the negativity that I hear. From others, and from myself. We are free to insult (jokingly, of course) as we please, and we take those opportunities. I'm a fan of sarcasm, I think it's the best. But I know that sometimes it can hurt, and sometimes it's taken too far.

I'd like to work on being positive in the things I say about myself, and the things I say about others.

Writing about thinking about thinking about thoughts.

A fun thing to do is think about thoughts. About controlling them, thinking about only what you want to be thinking about. Actions are different, and actions are important, but there are so many thoughts flying through my head that are never transformed into action.

For example, in my thoughts I often tend to be very intimidated and easily threatened. These make my actions very inhibited. I shrink into myself and don't think about how silly it is to feel that way - or think those thoughts. I don't want them to reign over me like that.

Last semester I was journaling about this, about how frustrated I get when I realize that I'm just disappearing because I feel...well, whatever that feeling is that makes me that way sometimes. And I wrote down a little phrase that I often repeat to myself and has turned into a bit of a theme song for me. It's simple:

I am who I am

Love me or hate me

God made me

Three silly little lines, but somehow they are so empowering. First of all to remind myself that I just am who I am, and nothing is changing that; I should not be ashamed of it. And to remember that God created me, formed me in my mother's womb, fearfully and wonderfully made.

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

You are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.

You hem me in - behind and before;

You have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is to wonderful for me,

Too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

If I settle on the far side of the sea,

Even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,'

Even the darkness will not be dark to you;

The night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;

You knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Psalm 139:1-14

A blog about my recent trip to Washington is in the works - but we did so many things that it is taking foreeeveeeer to write.

American Honey

What is this place?

So far, it's been somewhere I go when I am bored, or really want to procrastinate. The thoughts are genuine, but it's really a haphazard, unintentional thing I've got going on here.

I'd like to make it something better and something more representative of my life and what I'm doing, something to document my ups and downs, comings and goings.

So we'll see how it goes :)

I give you this, you give me that.

When I pictured this summer, I did NOT picture nothing but work! Thankful for a job but wow, thought I would have so much more free time. Am I making moneys? Yes. Have I learned how to crochet yet? No. So that sucks.

So, thank heaven that we are off to Washington tomorrow, and I will have two weeks of REAL SUMMER! Yayayayay I can't wait. To have time to do things...anything!

I was planning on going to the library this evening to grab some reading material for the 3 day road trip...but I ended up working 9 hours (I should stop being surprised) and didn't make it home in time :( So I just cleaned, and went to WalMart, and made honey-wheat muffins for us to eat on the road tomorrow, and packed. Aaaand that's my life. Working, baking, and going to WalMart.

I love baking. And cooking. And making anything edible. The good thing about working so much is that it allows me to spend so much time in other ladies' beautiful kitchens, pretending they are mine.

Another thing, though, that sucks about working so much, is that it exhausts my brain so that when I'm home, I don't want to think, ever. There must be a way to keep that from happening. Miss that 'ole brain of mine.

Catching Up

Since I last blogged, I have:

a) Eaten sushi for the first time. That's right! So yummy. It was even homemade.

b) Reconnected with one of my oldest, but not always best, friends. It's possible that years and years of prayers for him have finally been answered - but only time will tell.

c) Made some moneys.

d) Read many books - none of which were on my list for the summer. Oops!!

e) Visited one of the coffee shops on my list - Stella's. Cute, but to be honest I did not find my drink to be that wonderful.

f) Made better-than-crack brownies. SO FREAKING DELICIOUS.

Been away for so long! Had some ups, and some downs.

This summer has, so far, been one of my better summers. It hasn't been a complete lack of motivation or self-discipline, I haven't allowed my mind or my body to just mush away into sluggishness.

BUT it can be better still - and it will!

Yep.

Well, it has been a while!!

Being home makes me forget about Facebook, blogging, email, whatever. I'm here, with my family, and there are so many other things to do. So, sorry that I've been MIA.

I might be biased, but I think the Knapps are the best family in the world. Tonight, my dad was super-gluing a sugar pot back together. We laughed at him because he sniffed it, and this was his defense: "You can tell how well it's dried if it's outgassing significantly."

Outgassing significantly. I love my daddy-o.

Someday

I'd like to live in a neighborhood like the one at the beginning of this video. Or something like it. Someday.

Packing it up. Literally.

This is what I have to say to my goals from last week: Hahahahahahahahaha. They kicked my butt.

a) Finish both my Abnormal Psychology and Experimental Psychology papers.

Well, sure they are finished. Because they were due. Did not finish them early.

b) Take extra time and effort to be with and there for my friends.

I'm not sure about this one. Some friends, yes, others no.

c) Meet with Katie about my duties next year.

Yes. This I did. I am so excited. To all you doubters: next years activities will be so cool.

d) Start the process of going through my belongings and giving/throwing away things I don't want to keep.

The process has indeed been started, and I'm now very involved in it. I'm essentially living out of boxes. So that's good.

e) Take time to work out every day.

Hahaha. It's finals week. What was I thinking?

f) Play around on my guitar every day.

Again: finals week.

g) Call around places at home and try to find anyone who will hire me for a seasonal position.

This was somewhat successful in the sense that I landed one interview. So I am praying that goes well, and I don't have to keep looking.

My body is just so tired. It's done. It doesn't want to move anymore. Or think, for that matter. It is simply done. So, it's a good thing that in two days, it will be okay for it to be done. Until then...lotsa coffee.

You make me new, You are making me new.

Monday is over. I have only two weeks left of school. One week of real classes. One week of finals. Then three months of home sweet home.

During the 12 hours I spent at The Living Room on Saturday, I did a few things besides homework (believe it or not). I also compiled a summer reading list and a list of cool coffee shops to try in Denver.

I also realized that I wrote about that a few days ago. I also realized that I told my best friend about said lists today, even though she had already read about them...can't believe she puts up with me!

Anyways.

I am very excited about my reading list. It's very long, but here are the non-negotiables:

a) Odes, by John Keats - I first heard of John Keats when I watched a BBC biographical drama about his life shortly before he died. I've never been one to read poetry but I fell in love with the words used in the movie - can't wait to read it!

b) The Complete Sherlock Holmes, by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - I love a good mystery, and these are, apparently, some of the best.

c) The Murders in the Rue Morgue, Edgar Allen Poe - See above.

d) A Life of Charlotte Bronte, by Elizabeth Gaskell - Jane Eyre is my favorite book of all time, ever ever, and I'm excited to read about the author :)

e) Many books by C.S. Lewis...Mere Christianity (I never finished), Surprised by Joy, Screwtape Letters, Reflections on the Psalms, The Great Divorce, We All Have Faces, The Problem of Pain, A Grief Observed

We'll see! I will at least have finished all of the above by August, if not more.

One week of normal classes...I can do it! Here are my goals for the week:

a) Finish both my Abnormal Psychology and Experimental Psychology papers. Neither of them are due until next week, but I want to have the time and energy to do a decent job studying for my exams.

b) Take extra time and effort to be with and be there for my friends. I don't have much time with them left!

c) Meet with Katie (this year's Activities Director) about my duties next year.

d) Start the process of going through my belongings and giving/throwing away things I don't want to keep - and don't be stingy! GET RID OF A LOT OF STUFF.

e) Take time to work out every day. Gotta be as ready as possible to face that mile high altitude!

f) Play around on my guitar every day. Will have to say goodbye to it soon.

g) Call around places at home and try to find anyone who will hire me for a seasonal position.

Here's to this week, here's to finals, here's to packing, here's to summer vacation. It's coming quickly!

P.S. Listen to Beautiful Things by Gungor. Amazing. I've heard it playing from people's rooms ever since Jared and Amy sang it on Friday...no one can seem to stop listening.

Theology

I had no idea I would enjoy my Theology class as much as I do. As much as I've loved the Bible classes I've taken so far (which have been New Testament, Old Testament, and Principles of Bible Study), it's honestly all been stuff I've learned at Sunday School at one point or another. The focus in previous semesters has been all about what God has done, a history of sorts. Theology is who God is. IT'S SO COOL.

I love the way my professor teaches, because he just talks for the whole time slot, but everything he says matters, even when he goes a little off-subject. Last week he shared what has been the most stirring thing my heart has experienced recently.

At the end of our lives (or rather, the beginning), we will stand before the Lord. And He will see and know all that we've done...all we've spent our lives building. And his fire will come and burn away everything that is of this world, everything that is temporary, material. Destroy it. But everything that is eternal, righteous, will withstand the fire. Everything that lasts. And our little piles, our measly little collections of good and holy and eternal, we will offer to the Lord. Lord, here is what I have, here is what I invested in, here is the part of my life that will last.

So, he said, make sure you invest in things that are eternal. The souls of people, and the Word of God, these are what are eternal in this earth. Invest in these things.

12 hours on my butt.

The Living Room, for you Coloradans that do not know, is the cutest, best, most wonderful coffee shop in San Diego (I even like it better than my dct coffee shop that's in the antique store...the coffee is better). It's literally like a living room:

I was there yesterday for TWELVE HOURS. At noon a few friends and I took our books and computers and drove over and posted on a long couch. Then we stayed for TWELVE HOURS.

Still can't believe it.

But it was so great and so productive. Here's what I did:

a) worked on three papers on and off - didn't finish any but made SO MUCH PROGRESS.

b) made a reading list for the summer, and researched cool coffee shops to try in Denver.

c) drank a good amount of delicious coffee.

It was a good day.

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently*.

I should never be surprised when God's Word satisfies me...but I always am.

We heard from a Messianic Rabbi in Chapel today...so cool! I found the song he shared to be so beautiful and true.

It was called "Dayenu," a Hebrew word meaning "it would have been enough for us" or "it would have been sufficient." The Jewish people have been singing it for over a thousand years.

If he had brought us out of Egypt, dayenu.

If he had split the sea for us, dayenu.

If he had fed us manna, dayenu.

If he had given us the Torah, dayenu.

If he had brought us into the land of Isreal, dayenu.

God goes so above and beyond for me...he gives me what is dayenu and so much more.

*While the Bible has made an impact on me "recently," it has also been continually impacting me, not-so-recently and beyond.

I'm a Loser

This is going to be a great week. No, this is going to be a WONDERFUL week. Let me tell you why.

a) The Sunday that started it was extraordinary. I ate brunch in the sun, did homework at my DCT coffee shop with my friends, and spent the evening with my aunt, uncle and cousins. They fed me real food, and my aunt even gave me a big tub of chai tea mix that she bought at Costco just for me. Delicious! I also got a text from my mom, saying "Ty and Amy and I are talking about how colors can represent a person's personality. We decided that you are a daffodil yellow :)." Too cute! And as an added bonus, there were kittens.

b) My Experimental Psychology class is cancelled today. YES.

c) Hall Olympics are going on this week. So I get to photo scavenge and shuffle-board it and LARP, as official school activities.

d) The Junior/Senior Extravaganza is on Friday night. So I get to spend hours eating, bowling, lazer-tagging and eating once again.

e) My cousin Becca has her regional gymnastics meet in Anaheim on Saturday, and I get to go see her compete. I am so excited because I haven't seen her do her thing in over a year. She is talented!

The Best Day

I went to bed last night teary-eyed because I had been thinking about how much I miss my mom. I woke up to a text from her that said "Hey, stranger! What's up?!?!" Then we talked for two hours.

Love my mama :)

awake my soul, awake my soul to sing.

I need to share this before it is lost.

Leaving a time of worship is such a bittersweet moment for me. Especially leaving the kind we've just had. It's hard for me to grasp the idea of leaving and going back to the day when you have just been participating in communion with God. I escaped to my room and wrote this:

"Wow, Lord. I am in complete reverence to You.

To worship You, for an extended period of time, and to pray to You, and be surrounded by brothers and sisters who desire You as much as I do.

You have met me here today. I am in total and complete awe. Of You and You alone.

You've awoken my soul to sing.

Let Your will be done in me.

When You dwell in a room and fill it up, and make Yourself known, and are able to personally touch so many of us at the same time...that is a miracle.

I am so thankful and I don't even know how to express it. Truly I am speechless. You have moved me."

I was expecting to be touched by Evan Wickham...I don't know if it's because he's famous in the "Christian world," or because he's so talented, or because he has a thirst for serving God...

I was expecting to be touched by a man more so than I was expecting to be touched by God?

I thank Him that He touches me regardless of my expectations. I thank Him that He so faithfully provides me with life, joy, and peace, in abundance.

We're all pretty messed up.

I am never one to volunteer information. I hate talking about myself. Even if someone asks me a specific question, it is difficult for me to truly answer, instead of rushing through the first thing that comes to my head, just because because someone wants to know something about me. I like talking, sure, I talk a lot, but about myself?

It is actually something that I don't know how to do. Through much reflection (just because I don't talk about me, doesn't mean I don't think about me), I think I have pinpointed a few main reasons as to why I am dysfunctional in this area.*

First of all, I never believe that people are actually interested in what I have to say. Me? So boring! I assume they would much rather be talking about themselves, or just talking. Thus, when it's my turn to answer a question, I become flustered and rush through whatever answer comes to mind, and then immediately ask a question, and ask and ask and ask, to avoid my ever having to talk about myself in that conversation again. It works!

I also simply hate being the center of attention, or really just the focus of any attention whatsoever. When I am talking, and people are listening, someone is focusing on me. No thanks!

*I am 100% aware that all of these reasons are irrational and do not justify my uncomfort

Lessons from a Daddy Long Leg.

Life can throw some unexpected lessons, my friends.

Last night I was taking a shower (thank God, right?). There was a daddy long leg perched on his web up in the corner. Spiders scare me, but it was the good shower. He wasn't going to keep me away from the best water pressure in East and, quite possibly, the entire campus. That shower is mine!* However, I did spend the entire fifteen minutes in pure fear and anxiety. My eyes did not leave that spider. If he decided to launch a determined (and, let's face it, completely insignificant) offensive attack, I was going to be ready.

Then I realized I had focused more acute attention on that little spider during my fifteen minute shower than I had focused on God the entire day. And He is a lot more real than whatever it is about that spider that I fear.

*Also, the crane flies are back and have taken over the rest of the bathroom - so if I left the shower I would have had to face them anyways.

A good morning read.

"We live with [past disappointments and present heartbreaks] as our 'crosses' (so we call them). Constantly we find ourselves slipping into bitterness and apathy and gloom as we reflect on them, which we frequently do. The attitude we show the world is a sort of dried-up stoicism, miles removed from the 'joy unspeakable and full of glory' which Peter took for granted that his readers were displaying (1 Peter 1:8). 'Poor souls,' our friends say of us, 'how they've suffered' - and that is just what we feel about ourselves! But these private mock heroics have no place at all in the minds of those who really know God. They never brood on might-have-beens; they never think of the things they have missed, only of what they have gained. 'What things were gain to me, these have I counted loss for Christ,' wrote Paul. 'Yea verily, and I count all things to be loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may gain Christ, and be found in him...that I may know him...' (Philippians 3:7-10). When Paul says he counts the things he lost 'dung', he means not merely that he does not think of them as having any value, but also that he does not live with them constantly in his mind: what normal person spends his time nostalgically dreaming of manure? Yes this, in effect, is what many of us do. It shows how little we have in the way of true knowledge of God."

Knowing God, J.I. Packer

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.

I don't think I have a picture today.

It's not that I can't think of anyone who inspires me - of course there are so many! But I'm inspired less by people, and more by words.

I'll tell you what is inspiring me today: Psalm 84.

Hear, O Lord, and answer me,

for I am poor and needy.

Guard my life, for I am devoted to you,

You are my God; save your servant

who trusts in you.

Have mercy on me, O Lord,,

for I call to you all day long.

Bring joy to your servant,

for to you, O Lord,

I lift up my soul.

You are forgiving and good, O Lord,

abounding in love to all who call to you.

Hear my prayer, O Lord;

listen to my cry for mercy.

In the day of my trouble I will call to you,

for you will answer me.

Among the gods there is non like you, O Lord;

no deeds can compare with yours.

All the nations you have made

will come and worship before you, O Lord;

they will bring glory to your name.

For you are great and do marvelous deeds;

you alone are God.

Teach me your way, O Lord,

and I will walk in your truth;

give me and undivided heart,

that I may fear your name.

I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;

I will glorify your name forever.

For great is your love toward me;

you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

The arrogant are attacking me, O God;

a band of ruthless men seeks my life -

men without regard for you.

But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,

slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

Turn to me and have mercy on me;

grant your strength to your servant

and save the son of your maidservant.

Give me a sign of your goodness,

that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,

for you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

You're my cuppycake...

gumdrop, snoogums-boogums, you're the apple of my eye.

My adorable hall at my fake, adorable school had a cupcake decorating event on Sunday. So fun. Too bad I was not that good at it! At least they tasted delicious. Just like a cuppycake should.

P.S. The Cuppycake Song

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

I want to channel my inner Christy Miller and travel all around Europe via train.

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.

To name a few...

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.

Jon Foreman, I owe you a lot.

What began as a crazed Switchfoot obsession in seventh grade has grown into a pure admiration and appreciation for this man and what he has done both for God and for me. Nothing has ever touched me the way his music does. I don't know what it is about it...there's just something about his music and my soul that comes together to evoke joy. I'll never be able to explain it away; it just is.

“For me, when I think about Christ, I think about this iconoclastic man who lived and died for the broken. And the paramount underdog, which is basically turning the world on it’s head. Blessed are the poor and blessed are the hungry, blessed are the broken, all these things that feel very backwards in our fame, power, beauty, riches hungry world. That’s who Christ is to me.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bH6KPe9gTrQ

Thanks, Jon. Really. Thank you.

Day 12 - A picture of something you love.

Best photo you're getting is this creep-to-the-heck creepy one I just took of my room. Because this is something I love: BEING ALONE IN MY ROOM.

I know that in college, you're never supposed to sleep and you're supposed to be up all hours of the night and you're supposed to make a lot of noise and you're supposed to always be with your friends and aaaaall this stuff. And I like all that stuff, really I do. But I'm also an introvert to the max, and love being alone in my room (it's awesome). Here are a few reasons why:

a) It's cozy. I have my lights, and it's clean (hallelujah) and there's a little breeze coming from my window, and its quiet, and it's just so cozy.

b) I can be productive in here. If I try to do my homework in the lounge or the hub or other public locations, it will never happen.

c) I can pray in here. Yes, I know I can pray anywhere, anytime, etc. But I like to get all nerdy and pray out loud and have conversation that would otherwise make me look a 'lil schizophrenic.

d) I am alone in here. Really I just love to be alone. I don't know if it's just the introvert thing, or if it's a 9 thing, or if it's just a Sandra (and Jenai, haha) thing. But I just like to be alone.

It's funny because me in alone-in-my-room mode is probably a lot different from my hanging-out-with-friends mode. Every time someone comes in to talk to me, or ask me a question, or whatever, they are always asking if I am okay. And it's not because I'm rude because I think they are bothering me - they're not! But I am just so mellow and calm in here. I always feel older and smarter too. Probably the mellow/calm/homework thing.

Also I can turn my music up and sing loud and nobody knows!

Here's to a lovely evening in with Honey Nut Cheerios and some Jon Foreman tunes!

P.S. still hoping to find a man who will make me do cool things when I would ordinarily want to, like, stay home and eat Cheerios.

Whoa-y whoa whoa.

I did some investigating today.

First discovery: if all class timing works out correctly, I should indeed be able to graduate one semester early, meaning in December of 2012, meaning I MIGHT BE MORE THAN HALFWAY DONE WITH MY DEGREE.

Second discovery: Grad school is going to be very expensive. I looked at quite a few Christian programs that will work for me, least expensive being about 27,000 dollars. That is no small sum. Some universities allow monthly payments - whether that will work for me or not, I do not know. But something I do know (well, I'm pretty sure I know): I will not be able to earn 30,000 dollars between now and the end of my 2 year (hopefully) grad program, even with the scheduled off-year. I've been raised with an avoid-debt-as-much-as-possible mindset, and I've been so blessed to get to this point without having to come into any. We shall see!

Something else I discovered is that there are actually far less Christian universities that offer mental health grad programs than I thought! Some I've been considering:

-Colorado Christian University (for obvious reasons)

-Seattle Pacific University

-Grace University (this one's in Omaha, and is quite possibly the front runner. Good thing I have a year or so before I have to start really deciding!)

Ultimately, I find this whole process very exciting and fun :) Woohoo!

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.

I hate bottled water. Hate hate hate.

I'll take it from the tap or the filter, but NEVER from a package-y, mineral-y, plastic-y bottle (unless, of course, there is no other option).

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.

My brother.

Now, the fact of the matter is that I never do any truly messed up things. So when I am thinking messed up for myself, I am thinking weird, crazy, out of the ordinary. And that's when Tyler comes to mind.

A few years ago (like many years), when we were up at the lake, he and I were the only ones left awake in the house. So we decided to have a dance party. It was a silent dance party, because the house is not that big and the sleeping oldies were all in very close proximity to us. But we had a dance party nonetheless.

This summer I tried playing Call of Duty with him...and it wasn't even the real thing, it was like only him and me playing in this deserted, snowy area. And I got SO FREAKED OUT. I literally had to stop playing I was so scared. Because he was trying to shoot me!! And my controller would vibrate! And I SWEAR IT FELT LIKE HE REALLY SHOT ME.

Also, we are always talking about poop. Or periods.

He is just such a goofy goober, and I love doing weird things with him. And I love him, bunches and bunches.

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

My parents.

I realize that no one is perfect - but sometimes I like to think that they are.

They are such amazing people. They lead by example. They are silly. They have done both financial and marriage counseling - so I'm set! They give us everything we need and more. They are selfless. They are always available - I could call my dad at work with a computer question and unless he is extremely busy he will always stop and help me. Also he will always come to save me from any spider that is ever within 20 feet of me. They allow me to be who I am and trust my judgement. They are merciful and sweetly accept any apology (I've had to apologize for plenty of things). I would say the only exception to this would be from the times I was an unruly adolescent and would rudely say "Sorry!!" to my mom and she would respond, "Don't say you're sorry! Show that you are sorry!" Hahaha. I deserved it.

They have been married almost 25 years! And they are still in love. I hope I will someday have a relationship like theirs. For now I am content to simply have a relationship with them.

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.

This picture is the epitome of absolute hilarity for a few reasons...

a) Amy's chocolate-coated, nasty teeth.
b) Amy's creep-to-the-heck-creepy smile.
c) The fact that it was New Years, and the whole family was delirious.
d) It reminds me of all the other crazy pictures we took that evening.

Every time I see any pictures of that night my heart just warms right up. My family consists of my four favorite people in the world, and Amy is my favorite sister (she told me yesterday when we were Skyping, "So...I decided you are my favorite sister." Guess she better be mine too!).

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.

My purity ring.

It's not that valuable or fancy, but it means a lot.

There's a man out there for me, somewhere (probably), and this ring is not just a "I will remain pure until marriage" symbol, but a constant reminder. It reminds me of several things, in fact. To pray for him, to pray that God will continually make me into the wife he will need, to be patient. I love to look at
1 Peter 3:1-6 -

"Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear."

But of course, its first and foremost priority is to remind me of this:

"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."
1 Corinthians 6:18-20

Or are we ashes and wine

I've been listening to A Fine Frenzy nonstop lately. Almost Lover would always come on a few Pandora stations, and I always loved it, but I never really investigated them further until a few days ago. And I am in LOVE.

She has not only a beautiful voice and an incredible writing ability, but also she is so beautiful and so cool!

I appreciate the way so many of her lyrics incorporate nature and use it in such beautiful ways..

Help me out, said the minnow to the trout,
I was lost and found myself swimming in your mouth

or

Like an apple on a tree, hiding out between the leaves
I was difficult to reach, but you picked me
Like a shell upon a beach, just another pretty piece
I was difficult to see, but you picked me








:)

You Picked Me

I am blessed, because God has brought me to a place of complete surrender, contentment and peace.

I can't tell what's ahead of me, not even a little bit, but I'm okay with that, and I'm pleased to enjoy today.

Summer is coming...maybe, it might be coming.

I had such a great day today :)

Marla and I headed out around 10:30, toting bagels and coffee (okay, I had coffee). Our goal was church, about 20 minutes away. Unfortunately we never made it, thanks to the crazy Shadow Mountain after-church traffic. Took us 20 minutes alone to get to the freeway ramp. So, we headed for the beach instead. May have been cloudy but we oiled up and laid out on a blanket anyway. We were counting on that, the-sun's-rays-are-magnified-by-the-clouds theory...it was a no go. We are no darker. But it was beautiful nevertheless, and we went to get some Mexican food (in my opinion, you can't go to the beach without picking up a burrito on the way home). So we grabbed Roberto's, and I still have half of that bean-filled tortilla in my fridge. Can't wait to eat it later :)

We came home to watch Killers (which was better than I thought it would be, my expectations were low) and then caught the end of A Bug's Life and watched Monsters Inc, thanks to ABC Family's Pixar weekend.

I'm just gonna get ready for bed, do some reading and some writing, and call it a night.

Finally, a break.

I'm slacking so much on the 30 Day Challenge thing. Sorry Jenai. Will get back into it soon!

Well, Spring Break is here. I'm not doing anything. Well, this weekend I'm going with some friends to the fair, but we'll be back on Monday, and then I will have nothing to do (and not much to eat) until, well, Monday. I have school work I can do. So that is good news.

I'm looking forward to it, though. It's going to mean a lot of sleep, a lot of reflection, a lot of time talking to God and hearing from Him. I feel so worn down. Not because of any one thing, but just because school is hard, and keeping up with my relationships is hard (I never feel very good at it), and I've felt my routine slipping slowly away...I want it back. I like routines! I find them comforting.

They are not good, though, when God becomes part of my routine. He needs to be outside of it. I forget that when I'm busy. Better start remembering soon.

Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.

Bringin' me back to high school, baby. Here you can see me and my pal Hannah Wagner sporting some Golden Eagle pride. I still remember the fight song...but I'll spare you that for now.

I would love to trade places with Hannah for a day because the beautiful lady is abroad at Oxford this semester.

Visiting Ireland/England was one of the best experiences of my life, and I am dying to head back to Europe...I won't lie, I envy her chance to be there for so many months at a time!

Have fun traveling, Hannah, seeing the world, take a lot of pictures, eat a lot of authentic Euro food, visit a lot of landmarks, see if you can make it to Stonehenge, and have so much fun!

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.

I've decided to give you a picture that encompasses a collection of my favorite memories.




There are so many reasons why I love this picture. I am going to tell you all of them.

(This is going to work better if you click your mouse to see a bigger version of this picture. Just saying, we are eeny weeny)

First of all, let's take a look at each person in this picture. I'm going from left to right here.

1. I was caught trying to smile, but laughing instead, thus giving me an awkward open-mouth-laugh-smile.
2. Grandma is not looking at the camera, and in fact is not even trying.
3. Aly is being a diva.
4. Well, Jessica looks pretty cute.
5. Amy's face...well just look at it. Funniest face in the whole picture.
6. Grandpa is looking very annoyed and probably just wants to eat his cake and drink his beer at this point.
7. Tyler's face is just a step below Amy's.
8. Let's roll these three into one: Mark is trying to hold two babies, one crying, one pulling on his cool sunglasses strap, if you notice the knee is being integrated to keep from dropping David (looks like he is likely slipping right out of unc's arms), and Auntie's hand is engaged in an effort to help baby out somehow.
9. The inconspicuous arm down in the right corner is video taping all the hilarity.

Okay. I can move on to other reasons I love this picture now.

For one thing, we are celebrating the G-rent's 60th anniversary. How beautiful is that?

There are also four generations represented in this picture (granted, only limbs of the second are visible). This I also find incredibly beautiful.

And lastly, this is the lake. Or "Grandma's Lake," as we always called it when I was little. Every summer I've been alive, I've traveled up to beautiful Washington state to spend a week or so with my family. Uno, rope swings, swimming to the dead head (but only with a life jacket), milkshakes and fries at the Ranchette, paddling around in rubber rafts, eating each meal on the deck, watering Grandma's flowers, taking walks to the end of the road, sleeping three in a row in the back room that is really just a nook, boat rides around the lake, sunset swims, driving "into town," Grandpa's puns and Grandpa's belches and Grandpa's cursing, fires in the old stove on rainy days, drinking hot chocolate every morning, the smell of Grandpa's shop, picking (and eating) raspberries all day, raspberry jam, raspberries on cereal and ice cream and everything, playing with the old toys from the closet, walking so slowly everywhere on the gravel because it's too hard to put your shoes on, sitting in the sun room, setting of fireworks from the dock, watching fireworks shoot off all around the lake and reflect off of the water, not being able to sleep because there are spiders everywhere and/or you have too many mosquito bites, getting to hang out with my cool older cousins (and more recently, with their children)...

And I wish that I could go on forever and ever because each summer spent at the lake, surrounded by my family, have been some of the most precious memories I've created. How blessed I am to have extended relatives that are so close and so special to me.

What an honor it would be to spend every summer at the lake...and not just say it was something I used to do.

Day 04 - A picture of your night.

Tonight I saw The Fantasticks. My fake school puts on a musical each and every spring (well, for the past 8 years or something). Tonight student tickets were four dollars, so you can bet I hopped on that bandwagon. It was really great, made me laugh (the saxophone made me swoon) (played by the conductor WHILE conducting), and made for an overall fantastic night, which was followed by hangout time, Frosties, crossword puzzles, and a late-night study sesh with my school bestie, Mary Hose.

Woohoo!

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

Psych.



I love Psych. It has all the cheesy goodness that I love, and that weird humor that even makes my dad crack up.



Who wouldn't want to look at this face all day?

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for the longest.

Laurie Carver.

Now, when I use this as "close," I don't mean we are BFFs, or talk every day, or know each other's deep dark secrets. But Laurie is my mom's best friend's daughter, named for my mom in fact, and she and I have been friends since I was born a few months after her. We live in different states, and in fact haven't seen each other in about 4 years. That was when this picture was taken, when us and our moms spend a weekend in Phoenix together in celebration of our 16th birthdays.

She's in Arizona, I'm in California. When she comes to CA I'm not here, when I go to AZ she's not there, when she will go to CO for Spring Break, I will not be there.

But we love each other like crazy, and every time we see each other we get to pick up right where we left off.

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen (random) facts (I added the word random because my facts are certainly random).

1. I currently have 13 Pandora playlists. They are called: "Piano," "Oh Yeah Eighties," "Hey, Soul Sister Radio" (haven't renamed that one yet), "Classic Christmas," "Christmas," "Worship," "Oldtimers," "Beatles & The Like," "Iron & Wine Radio" (haven't renamed that one either), "Choir/Showtunes," "Jazzy," "Singer-Songwriter," and "Country."

2. I have a problem with Solitaire. The problem is that I play it too much. The other problem is that I refuse to play anything but 3 card draw, so I never win.

3. Sometimes I do really weird things in front of my window (like dance crazy, or pump my fists, or just hold up both my arms and walk around slowly), when the lights are on and the shades are down, just to make a really odd shadow. I always hope that someone is looking at it, even though I know no one is. Yeah, now you'll never know what I was doing!

4. I'm afraid of knocking on closed doors. And I don't mean figurative ones.

5. I will use one pen until it runs out of ink. I get attached to them and sometimes think about not throwing them away. I do. I've seen Hoarders!

6. Sometimes I do ballet alone in my room, because I really miss it.

7. I think about marriage too much.

8. The song that's playing right now is reminding me of 13 Going On 30.

9. The more consistently I pray, journal, and stay in my Bible, the more emotional I am.

10. It's really difficult for me to release things up to God. I like control, I like wanting what I want to want. I like to listen to songs like Let it Go by Tenth Avenue North. Helpful and truthful and pretty. But really, it takes a lot of time and a lot of prayer and a lot of me being stubborn before I am truly able to say, God, take this from me. I'm working on that now. It's hard.

11. Now Sweet Caroline is playing. So good.

12. My family is flying in from Colorado tonight, and my sister is sleeping over. I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED!

13. I drink coffee too much. It's just a fact. But I've been great lately about drinking more water than coffee, and pretty consistently. So go me!

14. Best thing to happen to our cafeteria = grapefruit at breakfast. Makin' my life.

15. Oh my gosh. Sometimes I cannot even believe how much I love 80's power pop. It might be wrong. (Where can I find a woman like that??)

Texting my brother.

Never without a little bit of weird and/or discussion of bodily functions.

"Hey"
"Hey! Um I am so sorry. Left my phone in my room. Whats up??"
"sams party"
"Ooh! Birthday party? Whatcha doin?"
"having a dark room session"
"What's that?"
"its like getting high but u dont high. we just invented it"
"Lol um what? What are you doing? Sitting in a dark room? Not smoking I hope, mister."
"No, no smoking or drugs. just darkness"
"Hahaha that's funny. I'm sitting in a dark room too, but I have a book light on."
"U have to have like 10 friends and then talk about random stuff"
"Oh. Yeah there is no way I have that many friends!"
"Thats wierd cuz ur in college"
"I'm in college?!?!?"
"650 backflips over a cow"
"You can do that? Impressive."
"no but ghandi can"
"Ghandi is a code word for period."
"ur ghandi cuz its the beginning of the month"
"Not yet!"
"oh thats why ur using exclamation marks"
"No way I always text with lots of punctuation! Ghandi or no ghandi."
"with ghandi is mad without ghandi is over happy"
"Oh hahaha. Yeah well you will never understand!"
"unless i riencarnate"
"You better do a lot of good things or you will not be able to come back human! You will have to settle for a dog in heat."
"a dog in heat? what"
"That's what dogs get instead of ghandi."
"oh i didnt know that"

Dorm life: as good as it gets.

This is what I did with my afternoon:



The picture frames are held precariously by Command stickies. I am praying they do not fall!

It's so hard to deal with the huge white walls they give you in college. While I consider myself spoiled to have a double room all to myself (ahhh, extra bed for sleepovers included), the empty walls I've been living with for a month are killing me. I miss my lovely room at home in snuggly, cold CO.

BUT, it will just have to do. Let me show you how spoiled I really am.



(the bed I sleep in)



(the sleepover bed, sporting the quilt my mama made for me)









(the doorway to my "bathroom." really it's just a sink. but there are two full sized closets in there!)



(looks like I need to change my calendar!)


Not as cozy or elegant as I'd like, but considering that many students get stuck sleeping in a closet, I'm pretty happy with it!

Took this just for kicks and giggles:




Here's to the future, which contains a real (cozy, beautiful, wonderful) house!